Giving too much.

I wonder is it normal to feel like one needs to restrain herself from giving too much into a relationship. Because too much submission gives the other person too much dominance. At the end the submissive individuals are the ones who gets hurt the most.

So its been eight months, I feel like I do a lot for him. And I don't entirely see a immediate return of the amount of work I put in for him. I think its bad for my health to always compare the amount we put in, into the relationship.

I always feel like as long I did my part. If something does go wrong I know I am not at fault or at least I know I did the best I could. But is this way of thinking may be too deep? Because it almost seems like I don't give him enough room and space to let him naturally be good to me. I mean he is good to be, but I guess not to the level I expect from him. Or its just my maternal feminine side that can't help it but to do the things I do.

Being single is so easy. Being in a relationship is hard when you start to feel insecure and have low self-esteem for one's self.

//Aneko//

王菲 - 容易受傷的女人（粵）

When you feel like you're not mature enough...

So on Sunday, I felt like I was being a child.
All I wanted was to play with my friends.
I can honestly say, I paid less attention to my boyfriend.
Even when he cut his foot, I just went around asking for a band aid from my friends and that was it. It was a minor cut, but I didn't want any bacteria to go in it. But I didn't know what else to do. So I just like didn't pay much attention afterward, and just continue on my day.

He stayed with Kai the whole time. He never came to me. When he saw me, he didn't even give me a hug. I know he has the tanning oil on, but still, a kiss on the forehead, some kind of affection might have made me feel like 'hi honey'. But he never did. He never came over to me, the whole day to see how I'm doing. If I wanted food. Or just simply walk over to give me a hug. Which is why I N V Diana and Cheng. They're affectionate when they are alone, and when they are among friends.

The only time I think Rui was ever carrying was when its only me and him. So its almost like when we're in a group, he's not my boyfriend.

I asked him once if he wanted food, so I got him a burger. I didn't make him anything, because I was having fun. He complained to me, how he didn't eat much, because things weren't cooked, so other words, I didn't make him any food.

I asked him if he can get me my camera, since my hand was full of sand. He said 'no'. I asked him to put on sunscreen on, because he'll get burn he said 'no'. Its so hard to ask him to do something for me nowadays. He only does it when he feels like he's okay doing it. I do everything for him. I'm starting to feel like this might be a one way thing. I spoil him rotten, I take care of him, I feed him, I listen to him. Why do I feel like this relationship will go downhill soon. It would be a matter of time before I blow up and just end it.

He got the heart to want to be with me. But his actions doesn't show enough for me to feel like this relationship to work. I don't expect a one and one reciprocal action to each other. But at least if I ask you to do something, just do it. It wasn't a far walk to begin with.

Then again I guess he didn't want to walk if he didn't have to because the salt from the sand would irritate his wound. But he just said 'no'. If i ask him he might say that he doesn't want to use that as a excuse. Because he said that to me when he went in the water, when he knows its still bleeding, a little bit.

This is where the whole thing comes in.

All I want was to have fun, so the last time into the water I dragged him with me. After a little bit in the water, Anne asked Rui 'Rui didnt' you get a cut on your foot? Is it still bleeding?' He said a little and I'm like what the heck. And Anne was saying how bacteria and everything and I got pissed off at him.

Because I was like 'is this your way of making me feel guilty again?' He touches my face and pushed it away. He said no and said he didn't want to sound like he's using his minor cut as an excuse.

Throughout the whole day I didn't look at him. I convinced him to stay until 8pm, before that happened, but I kicked him out. Kai and Anne wanted to go, so I'm like 'Rui is going to leave soon too, so ask him if he can drive you'. And they left. He didn't even try to come over to at least try to hug me or give me a kiss or say 'we'll talk later'. He just walked away upset with Kai and Anne.

Then he called me later that night, twice.
The first voicemail was: "whatever"
The second voicemail was: how he felt, how he didn't understand why I got upset. etc.

I called him and we made up. I just said I was wrong the whole thing. And then I said that I don't think I'm 'mature' enough. He said don't turn this around. He doesn't want me to even think about 'breaking up'. He said he hates it when something like this happens. And I don't blame him. Throughout our five month relationship thus far, he never said 'I don't want you' not even jokingly. But I do it all the time. Even when there was a moment he could have said it because it fixed the context he didn't say it.

So whose wrong and whose right? Or half and half?

I don't feel like i'm his gf when we're together with my group of friends.

Sometimes I wonder if this kind of stuff typical in a relationship.

My cousin asked:
Does he make you laugh? Sometimes.
Does he make your heart go fast? Not as much.

Do I want to break-up with him? The answer is of course not.
Its the things he says wants me to stay with him, but I wonder how long that will last.

I really do like him. But sometimes I feel like I'm not appreciated.

//Aneko//

Rebellious...a little late, ain't it?

So I don't know why I am going thru this.

Maybe because my parents know about my condition regarding to school that they're up on my butt about studying my physics over. Because there's a chance that I will have to retake physics for the third time. Its like reading a book but having the last chapter missing. Its the excruciating. Why can't my professor just say sure, and give me those few points from a C- to a C. Every now and then when I think about retaking Physics again I want to cry. That's how much I hate physics.

So every time I mention about going out, my parents give me that 'again' look. And they go like 'I know, I've already remind you over and over again how you should spend more time studying rather than to go out' etc..and the ranting goes on. I feel like I can't look forward to anything fun. Fun comes in last...why do parents say that kind of stuff? What if I die like RIGHT now. I don't know. I feel like I might die any time, and that I should do the things I like while balancing thru school and family.

James once said that being 'smart' isn't everything. You can have A's thru out your school year, but where do you stand on the social ladder? What kind of character do you have? Personality? Yeah you're a bookworm, but what other qualification do you have other than getting A's on your exams.
- So what he said is it valid?

Being with my boyfriend for almost 5 months (August 8th) I feel like my parents already know. I mean come on, he calls me every night and we talk for hours on the phone. I was never this talkative on the phone. Being home I feel guilty. Guilty of being in love , and to hide it from my parents. Parents who taken care of me for 21 years. But I don't trust my dad to understand me. Nor do I trust him to be civilize with me when it comes to something like this. Because I know for a fact, no one in the family will back me up. My stepmom will agree with my father without a doubt. I feel so empty and lost because I don't know what to think. My biological mother said it will all pass, once I graduate and get a job, at that point, my parents have no power over me. Or effect on me. Because then I've done something neither my father nor stepmom have every accomplish. A college degree and a job. Sometimes I feel like I want to tell my dad like RIGHT NOW. Because if he knows what I think he knows then why isn't he asking me questions. Why is he not confronting me? Why be angry underneath and wait for the bomb inside to hit 'zero'.

It just seems like everything I do, is wrong, and when I go against them go like 'WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LIKE THIS? YOU NEVER GREW UP. ALWAYS SO STUBBORN. WHY YOU NEVER AIM HIGH'

When we play MahJong, they go like why don't you try to learn and pick up strategies other than to stay around the same area, why not try to move up

I want to sit on the leg rest thingy while playing Mahjong because its comfortable.
why don't you grab a normal seat, why do you force yourself to sit in a lower level when its harder for you to grab the tiles or when you have to pick up the row of tiles while you're readying the game.

I'm going out.
Why are you always going out. You go out, when you come home dinner is ready for you.
My little sister's favorite line: You're never home. WOW you're actually home.

I'm not smart unlike my little sister whose a straight A student.
I'm not neat unlike my little sister whose room is clean and well organized.
I'm not careful unlike my little sister I always screw up in errands and chores.
I'm not a quick learner unlike my little sister who gets it in a snap.
I'm not 'fit' like my little sister she's a seize 2 i'm a size 8.
I have no personality.
I do whatever I'm told.
I'm slow unlike my little sister who gets it.
I'm not mouth-smart unlike my little sister fights back with the right reasons.
I'm not street smart like my little sister makes things her advantage.

What am I good at? Like my parents claim, all I know what to do is having fun. And helping people. So whats the point in living when all I am good at is wasting time.

But it gets even more depressing when I compare myself to other people who aren't as lucky as I am, yet I am thinking so much negative things. Even thinking about dying because I need to retake a course, or because my parents don't understand me. I am living well, eating well, and fully clothed. Yet I continue to think all these negative things. And when I try to not think about it, and compare myself to other people I get even more depress.

I just want to go back to Stony Brook when I have more control over myself.
When I want to eat, what I want to eat. I don't feel bad about staying out late when I know there's no one waiting for me at the dorm. Who I'm hanging out with. I just wish I can just cuddle with my boyfriend just have a good night sleep and wake up to see his face and not to the thought of taking physics again. It would totally ruined my fall semseter. I'm taking all the classes I WANT to take.

FUCK I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FEEL SO EWLY ABOUT MYSELF. I FEEL LIKE I'M BETTER THAN THIS, WHY DO I KEEP DOWNGRADING MYSELF. WHY CAN'T JUST LOOK UP THE RULES OF MAHJOHNG ONLINE. AND LEARN IT. WHY CAN'T I JUST CLEAN MY ROOM EVERYDAY, ORGANIZE IT AND JUST THROW OUT EVERYTHING. NO MORE KEEPING THINGS FOR OTHERS. WHY CAN'T I JUST GO OUT FORA RUN AND JUST DO WHATEVER I CAN TO IMPROVE MYSELF.

Iyaz "So Big" (Official Lyrics Video)

Love too much?

So I was just thinking. Is it possible that you love some so much to he point you wan to express it thru sex. Because when I talk to some of my friends. They told me they did it because she feels like she was going to lose the guy if she says no. Another one just wanna do it to shut him up. So I asked my mom two nights ago. Because guys masturbate almost on a daily basis. So why are they so eager to do it with their girlfriends. An my moms says because of hormones an to top off with feeling and sound. That physical part from the over person is different than to do it themselves.

//Aneko//

Feeling different.

Sometimes I wonder...why I end up being so goofy around him.
To the moment I feel like I'm going overboard.

Man, I need to like look myself over before I do anything.
Because too much is a bad thing.

Which is why this time when he left after staying over for a night, I didn't feel sad. But its nice to wake up and the first thing I see is him.

This should keep my satisfy for a week.

//Aneko//

Entry 07.01.2010

“Rushing”
What am I rushing? Not sure if dad was using the wrong word when he called me. I swear, some things doesn’t have to happen tends to happen. What the hell?
In the beginning while he was talking I respond ‘uh huh’ ‘yeah’ but my tone wasn’t anywhere near ‘annoyed’ or like ‘whatever’. I am tired. And I already explained it when he was about to blow up on me. But apparently he thinks I’m lying. Anyway he continues to lecture me, about me ‘rushing’ how I need to be careful. If I’m just zooming from point A to point B, and not look around me then I will get into an accident, like he almost did. He said I should just tell Tiffany, update her, if she doesn’t care then she doesn’t care, but at least I did my job in letting her know. ‘Do it just so you don’t get point at when things turn bad’. “As long you did your job….” My job? My fucking job! WHY!? Because I’m the oldest, I need to make sure everyone else is happy. I could that, no problem, but don’t come back and ask me why I am the way I am. But that never happens. I just get tired of trying to make accommodate everyone’s needs, compromising toward what they want.
When I came home last night, there was no life in the house. My stepmom look like she was mad at me. WHY? Maybe because I spend the whole day at the hospital with my biological mother. What’s wrong with that. If she was in the hospital I would have spend the equal number of hours at the hospital. Or is it because I’m suppose to spend MORE time because she claims she nurtured me when I was younger? Fuck that. She was a horrible mother. She did things because its what ‘mothers’ suppose to do’ not because she had any heart of wanting to do it, when we were younger’. But she is getting better at it, so I give her credit. Only she’s screwing up my little brother, the kid can’t be independent, even when he comes to clipping his nails, she volunteers to clip it. He grew up being pampered by my stepmom that he couldn’t figure out at what age he’s suppose to do things on his own.
Overall I think he’s just want to tell me that I shouldn’t rush Tiffany to see mom. And that I should have thought WHY she refuse to show up. So why couldn’t he say that, instead of giving me some bullshit around the bush crap. Because Tiffany may not be comfortable to see mom in an hospital with all those tubes. Because the last time she experienced such a thing was when our step-grandfather passed away. So I admit, with a calm mind that he’s right. I didn’t think of it. Even when Ding Ding Yee said that David didn’t want to come, because he couldn’t bear to see that situation again. All I kept thinking was:
What the hell is wrong with her? Can’t she just text or call to ask about Mom. At least I would feel a little bit better, when my aunts and grandma ask me about her. But I couldn't’ find myself defending her. She texted me around 7pm, visiting hrs, at the CRCV was from 7:30-7:45, she had a good 12 hours to be at the hospital prior to the last visiting hours, but she never showed up. I skipped school to company my Mom.
I wouldn’t need to skip class if she would just go to the hospital in the morning and I’ll come as soon my class is over. BUT NO! She e-mails me and said she needs her sleep. THEN FUCKING SLEEP EARLY! She claims that she sacrifice enough for me. What the hell, I never keep tabs when I helped her over the 10 + years I’ve been living with her. I didn’t e-mail back. She always wants the last word in everything, and I don’t have that kind of patience with her. She wants to be an asshole, or she wants everyone to see her as an asshole FINE. I don’t care. So I spend the whole day sitting in the hospital, went out once to eat lunch and then came straight back.
Anyway the whole ‘can’t bear to see mom the way she is’ was something my dad told me. So that opened me up a little bit up and I even wrote a letter to apologize. And just stuck it in the Twilight book that my mom wanted to read before I left to go to school. So I’m hoping that she would go see mom today. But most likely she’ll write me back an angry letter. I was going to say soul-less but since she shows emotion she’s not at that stage YET.
I can’t even text Rui a picture of me smiling, each time I do, its not smiley, even though I though I thought I was.
In two hours I’m going to be meeting up with Maggie, Cindy and Jennifer for dinner and I need to try to hold it up. Then I’m going to see my mom and I have to make sure I hold it up pass that. And once I get back home then I can continue being me. No one needs to see me being unhappy. Because I’ll be unhappy for one day, so I don’t need to have that carried on for everyone else.
After writing it out, I feel better.
But I can’t still believe my dad called me to lecture me. I tear in front of Qiang, I think I got him nervous and so I went to the bathroom, kicked the bathroom wall for a few times. When I came back he put up some ‘Just for Laugh’ videos. That really cheered me up, it worked though. I felt better after I watched a few videos. Rui wasn’t too happy when I said that Qiang cheered me up when it was really Rui who should be there to cheer me up. But I can’t deal with that. He got out of work early and asked what he should be do now, I’m like you can join me and my friends since they all want to meet you, and he said no. So I’m like okay.
Thinking: Whats the big deal? Why can’t he just come and meet my friends, at the same time we really get to see each other. Because I am honestly not planning to make any plans with him until my summer class is over. He’s gonna be mad at me. But I need to put my schoolwork and family first. If he can’t understand that then I don't know what else I can do. I really need my space, hence I don’t want to live with him off campus. Because he’ll want me to take care of him. He loves me I know, but I need to have some ‘me’ time. I know if he does that to me, I’ll be upset, but sometimes space is what keeps a relationship in check. If we’re always on top of each other, things will start to become meaningless.
<>
//Aneko//

When you do things for family is there really a time where you would STOP 'sacrificing' yourself?

I really don't want to fight with her. She (metaphorly) spills a little blood and that's all she can give. Because she feels like she's given enough. Shouldn't there be infinite sacrifices - especially for your family member, whether you like them or not? She likes the last words to everything. I'm not gonna express myself. There's no need. She already damned me. I'm just another fucktard whose taking up space.

Our biological mother is going for surgery, a minor one. She just has a hole in her heart. She scheduled it Wednesday. I decide to skip class to be with her. Its a surgery no doubt. But if its possible for me to go to my morning class and then come back by 8pm I can visit her, by that time she would be out of surgery a long time ago. And this was my little sister's response. I'm starting to care less and less for her. I want to care less and less for her.

 

its not my problem if u cant go to class.

i dont care what happens to you cause im done with sacrifices,

which im sure u dont know about or deny.

so im not waking up early for something she scheduled

i need my sleep. i do my work the next day before class

so i wont have a computer in front of me if im there.

 

~Chui, Siu Ping (Tiffany)

 I guess since I'm not planning reply to your rude e-mail, I'll just say it here.

FUCK YOU!


//Aneko//

Soften Up

What the fuck is her problem.
I like to telltale?
This is what happened:
My little sister was pouring herself a cup a ice tea so I got my cup and ask her to pour me one. She refused, puts down the container and I reacted like I always did. 'Whats your problem?' I didn't fight with her. I barely spoke to her. But of course dad who was standing behind us was like 'ping ping why you have to be like that'. She looks at us, like we're some predictable monkeys. Fuck her. I already knew she wasn't going to pour me a drink, but I was really hoping she would change my mind.

Why do you have to be such an asshole?
I am an asshole.
Go fuck yourself.
I have got no one to fuck.

I can't talk to her anymore. I can't tell her stuffs without feeling scared. Why did I tell her about Rui.

I want to die. Because I want to cause her some pain. A lot of pain. I want to die. Rui can find another girl. My parents will be supported by her and my little brother. When I'm gone everything will continue on. A few pains here but it'll go away.

Me talking crazy. Fuck me.

//Aneko//

Being a 'gf'

Being a girlfriend, weakens me. Which is why I have to make sure I control myself. I express myself more and more to the open that I will eventually start causing unnecessary fights.

I don't want to be the whiny girlfriend who assumes that her boyfriends knows what he should be doing at what time. The guy got a life too. Its not all about me.

I almost started something. I told him I was going to have my second midterm next Monday. Yet he went ahead and made plans with his friends to go kayaking. If it was me, and I knew my other half was going to have another exam and he needs helps on the subject, I wouldn't have made plans. I would put his needs (important ones anyway) before mine. But he made a point, before I told him I had to go shower. He worked this entire week and he deserves it. So after I showered I told him that I'm going to sleep and that I'll see him Sunday. I even told him the reason why I'm going to sleep this early. How honest can I get. I am trying to avoid starting a fight that already ended before it even started.

I wonder if I did the right thing. 

"Being a gf" thats a stupid reason. I'm so stupid. I already made it sound like I regret being someone's gf.
I just don't want to start fights like my parents do. It leads to more fights and its a pain to admit wrong after a while.

//Aneko//

Missing him.

I'm having one those moments where I just have to blog my feelings, since I left my diary at home.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a total fool. A fool in love. I went back to read his old blog, some of the entries were about me. Expressing his 'love' for me. I was very skeptical about him, because I'm like there's no way he would be 'head over heels' for someone like me. It doesn't make sense. I'm not girly, I'm such a boy, I'm not even smart, I wear a size 8 pants and L in shirts. lol. But I guess it was my personality? But then again, what if I was a big girl, would he have found me as attractive and would he just only see me as a friend. I know physical appearance matter along with a good heart. But reading those entries again, just puts a smile on my face. Because its him that love me first, so I know he won't break my heart so its a safe place for me to love him back. But some things are too good to be true. And thats what I fear. Maybe its all in my head, maybe he's just infatuated by me, and when time passes he might just not love me or desire my presence as much. I guess its me talking crazy here or I'm just used to looking at all my options. I know I will. So that when something 'bad' happens I won't be as heart broken, then again I did the same thing with Jong and my heart was shattered to bits. And I guess on top of these feelings, I don't want to intercourse with him, because if he breaks me I'll feel dirty.Which is why I'm glad that I never did it with Jong. He had too many crushes in his head that I felt like I need to put a little wall.

Well all that was just stuff that suddenly came up, but what I really want to write is how I missed him so much that I teared for a sec, when he had to go home. I don't know why, I've seen him more this week than ever since school ended. But each time he leaves I feel so crush. When I asked him to stay with me for the night. Because honestly, being alone in my mom's place gets kinda depressing. But then again I like being alone in her house. But I guess I know that he's close by that I just want him with me. All I want was for him to just for one night, stay with me. But he couldn't. So I was trying to hold back from tearing in front of him until I closed the door behind him. I don't want this feeling, because I feel like I'm being clingy, and that I might just start being a baby when things don't go my way. I'm afraid that I might just give 100% to him.

I am trying to control myself, but its so hard. Its funny, because you would think that I would have this feeling the first month or two of the relationship, but I'm actually in my 'love bubble' two months afterwards, while he was in his bubble the first day. So after he left, I didn't talk to him that much, I even try to get him to hang up the phone, because that tight feeling in my chest won't go away. And today I just text him here and there. Didn't even call him. I only talked to him once when he called me. But it was short, because I was eating and watching CSI. I don't want to divide my attention when I'm with him.

He gives me that assurance that he will be there for me forever that it feels too good to be true. I guess I'm hindered by my parents. Dad was miserable in both marriages. My mom took her god damn long enough to find the right guy, after going thru several guys. And my little sister being that 20 years old she still has that strong ability to reject every guy that ask her out. I don't know how she does it. She said that I would go out with anyone who asks me out. Which is not true.


Well time to go back to homework.

//Aneko//

My favorite photo on June 5th.

So we went to Kayaking.

Walked over to Chinatown for food.

Walked to seaport.

Walked to Staten Island Ferry.

Walked passed New York Stock Exchange.

Walked to the train station.

Concluded our trip with a kiss.

//Aneko//

Owl City - Vanilla Twilight

The physical part is neccessary.

Yesterday I had a good day.

Met up with Rui around 11ish am spend up to 10:30pm with him. It was great, if only it ended with me cuddling next to him and sleep. 

I just want to just spend the whole day hugging him. Like a stuff animal, holding him tight and close.We went to DMV, got my permit, went to grab lunch at K-town and had something similar to a Seven-11 setting, then we went to soho because he needed to find a good dress shirt for interview, so we went to express in soho after we couldn't find anything n Uniqlo, H&M. He was being picky, which is good I suppose, at least it shows he has some expectation and not be 'whatever' like me. Then we went to watch Prince of Persia, good movie, I like it when he hugs me and then we went down to eat dinner. We had fuzhou food. It was pretty good for a cheap price.

I just can't help it, I didn't want to go home, I just want to go home with him. I'm so use to him, being with him when were in Stony Brook, that sometimes I get sad thinking about.

How limited I am to seeing him. If I can just go out and sleepover it would have been better. The feeling only gets worst when he tells me how much he wants to see me.  >_<

He got me upset because he really want to see me yesterday so the night before he said something to enhance my anger on purpose so that I would give-in I guess. 

But I'm glad I get a chance to spend the whole day with him.

//Aneko//

I don't mean it.

Ai, sometimes I act cold. Its a stupid defense mechanism I created.
I don't mean to be negative.
Ai.

//Aneko//

Just a random moment.

My first legit relationship was in High School, it started out on May 10, 2005.

A little less than five years later I find a new love, on March 08, 2010.
I honestly thought it was longer than that, but I guess not according to my livejournal entries.

 Rui Zheng &Me

He's not as good looking as my previous one, but his heart point towards me and only on me. Its been two months and he has yet to leave me a single doubt of his loyalty. He's a determined kid, never gives up especially on a physics problem. He likes to say things and when ask where he get his reference he'll just BS his way. He lets me have it my way, (majority of the time), he would spend every time of his time to tutor me in physics. He makes me feel secure, when I cry he's there, he comforts me. His cooking skills is not that great, I really hope he improves. I will try to improve mines too. He does have a few flaws but every little thing he does just builds up and makes me feel content. That I try not to think about it too much, but hope that he also improves in it. Not like I'm flawless, plenty of flaws.

Just a random thought, while I wait for my hair to air dry, since I'm not in my dorm anymore, I actually have to care whether I wake anyone up, because there's no outlet in the bathroom so I have no where to blow dry my hair.

I have to start showering early.

//Aneko//

Being annoyed.

I guess I don't like to hide my true feelings.

He pretty much got the hint that I am annoyed.
I suggest this and that and he keeps saying 'no'.

Whatever

'go away'!

Forgiving...

I remember my mum once said 'forgive but never forget'.
I guess thats what got me to just continue on life and not hold a grudge aganist my biological mom.
But when I talk to my little sister the 'hate' came back.
I send my mom a box of edible and she e-mailed us:

OMG!  I'm in heaven...you kids are great!
I just got the box of chocolate with strawberries...
Just the mere sight of you girls sending me the gift brightened up my whole entire day!!!!!! =D
I am soooooooooooooo happy right now I could cry!

I love you both so very much!
MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH!!!!!

MoMmy =*)

Why did I even bother sending her and my stepmom a gift for mother's day? Because they been supporting me the stuff I need physically. While f-ing up my mentality. 

Empty

The feeling of feeling empty is a feeling right?

All I want to do is just listen to music.

You can call me a bitch a dumb person whose oblivious to everything.

Because everything you say to me affects me.

I care therefore I am hurt.

Which is why death seems so welcoming sometimes.

Dying...

I wonder if I die will she grow up.
Should I kill myself in order for her to see that I can't be there for everyone?
We are suppose to share the burden.
She's thinks she's the only one in pain, but I'm on the other end receiving more impact because of her lack of interest on the surface.

She made feel miserable about who I am. But I still walk on.
She degrades me as a person. But I am still around.

She thinks she's mature because of her solitude life, yet why is everyone running to me when they need help? Why doesn't she realize she's causing me indirect unnecessary burdens.
Life is hard when things that shouldn't be bothered are taking over.

//Aneko//

Akeboshi - 廃墟のソファ (Haikyo no Sofa)

Being called 'Fat'

Normally I don't care if my parents call me fat.
But I guess once there's someone in your life you want to look good.
So I guess I will need to go to the gym at least once a day. And dieting.

>_<
Damn it.

//Aneko//

Nothing to say.

I hate it when I have nothing interesting to say.
I don't feel like I'm engaging in the relationship.
Maybe thats why I'm so playful, I make a fool out of myself and then something interesting happens.

Why am I such a boring person?

Oh well back to work.

//Aneko//

I actually have the urge to blog before going to sleep.

So I'm working on my math homework and I look at the time and its 2 in the morning. Granted I don't have class until 2pm. So why sleep so early. These couple of days I've been feeling all bubbly. The happy kind. How long will this one last? I don't want to give in too early which is why nothing is official yet. Its just so hard to explain.  Being in Stony Brook and living in West, I feel like I'm in an apartment and that freedom feels so good. But once summer vacation hits I know life will go back to my cage, where I am obligated to do everything for my family. But this time I won't be too upset about it. Because I know I have him to talk to and he will make my day. But at the same time the guilt is still there. So I have to decide to end it or keep it. Which is why not a lot of people know, because its not establish. If I end it, there will be no third chance. And I will only be breaking my own heart this time. Who knows when I'll piece is back together and open the windows again. Life is all about chances I guess. Maybe after two month, the feeling will be gone and if he was to end it at least I won't fall too hard, because the strings are not attach yet. Since I've been with him, I want to look good, but at the same time I don't want to lose my identity. My outfit is what make me feel the way I am, confident, strong, and open-minded. Maybe if one year hits I might just dress up. Just once. But its still too early to think about. I need to first focus on my exams and then my love life can come forward.

FIGHTING!

/Aneko/

Feeling Stupid.

Why the hell did I try last night?
I was frightened? Annoyed?

//Aneko//

I made it....not really.

Yesterday I got a phone call.
I got accepted to the Respiratory Care program.
I should be jumping up with joy. Having a little party of my own.
Sadly, I am failing one of the required classes, and I can't seem to move away from the reality.
No matter how I keep telling myself all the positive things that can happen.

Why am I like this?

I have to stop. I can't let people around me worry about me.
I need to cut my social life into half. Even more than half. I need to hide and study.

Who knew I actually drink half a smirnoff ice, because of my terrible mood.

I only had one, but I'm sleepy, so much for building up tolerance.

//Aneko//

三月二十六號 - 雨天

Wow its been three months since I last updated.

Whats there to update.

Absolutely Nothing.

_Aneko

一月十五號 -青天

Today was a good day. I met up with my two girlfriends, Maggie and Cindy, we had breakfast at Ritz Cafe. It was nice, girl talk, doing some catching up, and it feels almost homey.  So I did that from 9-11, then I met up with Diana to go to Chinatown to meet up with another group of friends. Andrew, Michelle, Sumen and Diana (Chinese classmates from Hunter College). We grabbed lunch at Kobama. It was nice, I almost choked to death when we were talking about how people talk in 'code' and she said when she was talking to her brother, her brother who is gay, said he was playing some 'monopoly' and she said 'oh i want to play monopoly too' and thats when i choked! omg it was bad hahaha.

During my conversation with Maggie and Cindy:
Man, why is everyone on his side!!!!! My gfs are like, 'aww you guys are so cute, you guys should go out'. My friend Cindy said that the kid looks very reliable, smart, he won't cheat on you. But she agrees with me that his english is what turns me off. BUT a total genuine kid, like my roomie and Anne said a while back. Yo all this talk is going to convert me over sooner or later. I think this is the 4th day I haven't chat with him online or on the phone. Its so weird, I'm so use to his cling-ness.

再見

一月十四號 - 青天

今天我跟我的朋友去iceskating. 真好玩.
Went to Bryant Park by 1pm skated for two hours. We bumped into Emily and her friends. Apparently she never ice skated before, but she's a fast learner, at least compared to her other friend who was shaking an her and half on the ice. From there we went to eat at John's Pizzeria. Not sure why its good, but the service was okay, only it took forever for us to locate our waiter to give us the check. The annoying part was Illoneete never came to ice skating with Miguel. When I called them they said they were on the train and next stop was Jamaica. And I'm like okay, wth? After they arrive they decide to eat at Penn Station. Again, wth? Then they text us and said they're at MoMa while we were still eating. wth? So I told them to go look around and stuff for the time being. If they joined up with us, they wouldn't be left hanging, but then again, its not like they came to meet up with us. At least they were able to have a 'date' in the city.

 

再見

一月十四號 - 青天

Feeling irritated. Like I want to punch something. WHY? Because spring class is starting in two weeks, my birthday is next Thursday and I'm busy from morning to night. sigh. Feeling a bit down. I asked my dad if we're gonna do dinner for my birthday and he said 'yeah most likely' and I'm okay, "I won't go to my class" and he said, "won't you miss a lot of important stuff" and i'm like "yeah". At this point I don't care too much, because 22nd is the last day of class, but my dad was like we can always reschedule. My dad has a point but I really don't feel like going to class on the day of my birthday. Whatever I'll go to class. Whatever. Getting a little depress actually at the moment. I'm going through a phase where I want to give up.  The class is not hard, but just that I don't have time for myself and that really gets me. Working during the day and then I have evening classes. I get home by 10pm. So yeah.

Currently listening to music to cheer me up.

再見

一月十二號 - 青天

Convo between Diana and me.
Aneko   says:
 jiiiiieeeeeeeee I might be in trouble laaaaa....
d i a n a says:
 y?
 u like rui now?
Aneko   says:
 just a little bit, like when he didn't reply to my text, or call and he deactivated his facebook, i felt a little uneasy, because I thought he was trying to avoid ME this time. hahaha
 Or maybe I just worried he might pull a 'Ting' on me.
d i a n a says:
 LOL
Aneko   says:
 maybe thats it.
 not like i like the kid right?
d i a n a says:
 haha !
 or maybe it's a strategy that will make u miss him
Aneko   says:
 hahaha.
 well anyway he did text back after an hr. I called to see if everything was alright. He just had a migraine the whole day so he was sleeping. Because seriously no joke, he always picks up on the first ring.
d i a n a says:
 imm telling you im sure it's way for u to miss him
 lols
 cause he's always clingy
 that boy knows how to play the game lolol
Aneko   says:
 hahaha psh I know how to play mine.
 dude this song is stuck on my head. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_yKdtZkXPw&feature=sub
d i a n a says:
 well it seems like you're losing
Aneko   says:
 hahah as long I don't say 'I Do' i'm good.

Chiew. I don't think so! hahaha. Man I don't remember being this consistent with my journal writing.

Back to reading the bible. T__T

 再見

一月十一號 - 青天

Maybe I'm just being a little paranoid, but is he avoiding me NOW?

He actually didn't pick up my phone call or text me back today.

Hmm I wonder if he manage to read my last blog. Unless he really did search for it, which isn't a surprise if he did.

Got home and just showered. Relax mode. Just a little bit. Then off to reading the bible and doing more questions. Eww.

再見

7:56pm
From the moment I was done writing this blog to getting a text from him which surprisingly gave me a sigh of relief, maybe I do like this kid (just a little bit).In my mind all I kept thinking was, "what is HE thinking" . When he texted me at (7:45pm) I instantly called him back to see how he was feeling.

So after I finished talking to him, I'm thinking do I like this kid because I did feel uneasy for a moment. Or I just can't deal when a friend is angry at me or I'm afraid he might pull a 'Ting' on me. I still remember that feeling of someone who cut all communication with me without any notice. It really hurts.

一月十號 - 青天

So I manage not to go on any messengers today (aim and yahoo) but I am currently on Skype and Oovoo. Why? To avoid him. Because I seriously doubt that constant communication will make him not-like me. Even though he claim that he will miss me more if I avoid him. But I think a little cold-shoulder might help my situation.

He texted me: @ 7:17pm
Called: @7:57pm
Texted again: @ 10:06pm

What am I going to do with him? I'm a soft when it comes to these things. Because I see some good quality in this kid. So he's not a total turn-off, if I communicate with him everyday like this I might actually LIKE this kid.

My friend Anne did say something that was true, I do enjoy his company.

Yesterday at the mall he did behave. He wasn't like all over me, he didn't even offer to help me carry my shopping bag which was totally alright with me. Not everyone knows that he likes me. Before I even toldJennifer that he likes me she's like yeah I know, he made very obvious.

Oh well. Time to go back to reading the Old Testament and do my Online quiz for Christianity class.



再見

Rejected him...

Even though I rejected him, he doesn't move away. I was half expecting him to stop calling me, and stop messaging me after that day I asked him upfront if he likes me more than friends, and I told him that he shouldn't waste his time on me, because i'm not interested in dating. And when i told him to give up (again) after his confession the day before my final 12/20.

He's so considerate that I feel bad that I said no, but I don't feel anything for this kid.
But I knew he was going to call me today.
I was sleeping and I dream that my phone was ringing and it was his picture ID that showed up.
Then at that moment, he really did called and i'm like 'hahaha'. So I couldn't help it but pick it up and talked for like five minutes with the kid.
He also created this get well flash for me. It was really sweet of him. His message did touch me a bit.
But I'm not going to give in, hopefully. I always believe people should get a chance, but with my major still not declare, dating is one thing I don't want on my agenda. But then again he likes the chase so I'll let him have his fun.

//Aneko//