What am I rushing? Not sure if dad was using the wrong word when he called me. I swear, some things doesn’t have to happen tends to happen. What the hell?
In the beginning while he was talking I respond ‘uh huh’ ‘yeah’ but my tone wasn’t anywhere near ‘annoyed’ or like ‘whatever’. I am tired. And I already explained it when he was about to blow up on me. But apparently he thinks I’m lying. Anyway he continues to lecture me, about me ‘rushing’ how I need to be careful. If I’m just zooming from point A to point B, and not look around me then I will get into an accident, like he almost did. He said I should just tell Tiffany, update her, if she doesn’t care then she doesn’t care, but at least I did my job in letting her know. ‘Do it just so you don’t get point at when things turn bad’. “As long you did your job….” My job? My fucking job! WHY!? Because I’m the oldest, I need to make sure everyone else is happy. I could that, no problem, but don’t come back and ask me why I am the way I am. But that never happens. I just get tired of trying to make accommodate everyone’s needs, compromising toward what they want.
When I came home last night, there was no life in the house. My stepmom look like she was mad at me. WHY? Maybe because I spend the whole day at the hospital with my biological mother. What’s wrong with that. If she was in the hospital I would have spend the equal number of hours at the hospital. Or is it because I’m suppose to spend MORE time because she claims she nurtured me when I was younger? Fuck that. She was a horrible mother. She did things because its what ‘mothers’ suppose to do’ not because she had any heart of wanting to do it, when we were younger’. But she is getting better at it, so I give her credit. Only she’s screwing up my little brother, the kid can’t be independent, even when he comes to clipping his nails, she volunteers to clip it. He grew up being pampered by my stepmom that he couldn’t figure out at what age he’s suppose to do things on his own.
Overall I think he’s just want to tell me that I shouldn’t rush Tiffany to see mom. And that I should have thought WHY she refuse to show up. So why couldn’t he say that, instead of giving me some bullshit around the bush crap. Because Tiffany may not be comfortable to see mom in an hospital with all those tubes. Because the last time she experienced such a thing was when our step-grandfather passed away. So I admit, with a calm mind that he’s right. I didn’t think of it. Even when Ding Ding Yee said that David didn’t want to come, because he couldn’t bear to see that situation again. All I kept thinking was:
What the hell is wrong with her? Can’t she just text or call to ask about Mom. At least I would feel a little bit better, when my aunts and grandma ask me about her. But I couldn't’ find myself defending her. She texted me around 7pm, visiting hrs, at the CRCV was from 7:30-7:45, she had a good 12 hours to be at the hospital prior to the last visiting hours, but she never showed up. I skipped school to company my Mom.
I wouldn’t need to skip class if she would just go to the hospital in the morning and I’ll come as soon my class is over. BUT NO! She e-mails me and said she needs her sleep. THEN FUCKING SLEEP EARLY! She claims that she sacrifice enough for me. What the hell, I never keep tabs when I helped her over the 10 + years I’ve been living with her. I didn’t e-mail back. She always wants the last word in everything, and I don’t have that kind of patience with her. She wants to be an asshole, or she wants everyone to see her as an asshole FINE. I don’t care. So I spend the whole day sitting in the hospital, went out once to eat lunch and then came straight back.
Anyway the whole ‘can’t bear to see mom the way she is’ was something my dad told me. So that opened me up a little bit up and I even wrote a letter to apologize. And just stuck it in the Twilight book that my mom wanted to read before I left to go to school. So I’m hoping that she would go see mom today. But most likely she’ll write me back an angry letter. I was going to say soul-less but since she shows emotion she’s not at that stage YET.
I can’t even text Rui a picture of me smiling, each time I do, its not smiley, even though I though I thought I was.
In two hours I’m going to be meeting up with Maggie, Cindy and Jennifer for dinner and I need to try to hold it up. Then I’m going to see my mom and I have to make sure I hold it up pass that. And once I get back home then I can continue being me. No one needs to see me being unhappy. Because I’ll be unhappy for one day, so I don’t need to have that carried on for everyone else.
After writing it out, I feel better.
But I can’t still believe my dad called me to lecture me. I tear in front of Qiang, I think I got him nervous and so I went to the bathroom, kicked the bathroom wall for a few times. When I came back he put up some ‘Just for Laugh’ videos. That really cheered me up, it worked though. I felt better after I watched a few videos. Rui wasn’t too happy when I said that Qiang cheered me up when it was really Rui who should be there to cheer me up. But I can’t deal with that. He got out of work early and asked what he should be do now, I’m like you can join me and my friends since they all want to meet you, and he said no. So I’m like okay.
Thinking: Whats the big deal? Why can’t he just come and meet my friends, at the same time we really get to see each other. Because I am honestly not planning to make any plans with him until my summer class is over. He’s gonna be mad at me. But I need to put my schoolwork and family first. If he can’t understand that then I don't know what else I can do. I really need my space, hence I don’t want to live with him off campus. Because he’ll want me to take care of him. He loves me I know, but I need to have some ‘me’ time. I know if he does that to me, I’ll be upset, but sometimes space is what keeps a relationship in check. If we’re always on top of each other, things will start to become meaningless.
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//Aneko//
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