I made it....not really.

Yesterday I got a phone call.
I got accepted to the Respiratory Care program.
I should be jumping up with joy. Having a little party of my own.
Sadly, I am failing one of the required classes, and I can't seem to move away from the reality.
No matter how I keep telling myself all the positive things that can happen.

Why am I like this?

I have to stop. I can't let people around me worry about me.
I need to cut my social life into half. Even more than half. I need to hide and study.

Who knew I actually drink half a smirnoff ice, because of my terrible mood.

I only had one, but I'm sleepy, so much for building up tolerance.

//Aneko//

Should have been dead....

My biological mother should have fight for me back then, because that way my father might have really killed me. Because I can't stand living right now.

I have a father who thinks he's right and when you say something to him that sounds negative he says, 'oh now I'm wrong about everything'. In cantonese.
I try to be more open about things - trying to have my dad look at my views or a glimpse of it.
So he can be stop being a child.
Everything I say gets flip around.

Even thought she's my stepmom I try to look from her point of view too.

Fuck this!

Dying...

Why do I tend to dream of dying. Or like the cause of my death. Or what I'm going to do if I know i'm dying (like I got some incurable cancer). I sometimes dream of the death of my love ones and I seriously cry myself to sleep...which adds up to one of those times when I had a breakdown and i just cry and cry. Because of everything thats goes around my daily life that are making me unhappy yet I cannot express it to the ones who are causing me this ache.
sigh...

I do think the same way...as a emo kid sometimes.

Why do I bother to do anything when at the end I die anyway?
Why do I have to selfless?
All these' whys' its crazy to think about it.
It drags me down.
Makes me sad.
But the world is still turning.
I'm still breathing...
So why not make the best of it until that times comes.
My mother didn't carry me for 9 month to see me become a hateful little creature.
Who would want to see their kid not enjoying life like its the best gift.

I want to become a nurse because its high in demand and its pretty much useful even outside of the hospital. I can even go work in other countries with my degree. I can help my family if anything goes wrong instead of waiting for the EMT. Stuff like that.
I'm doing it so I can repay my parents, so they can relax after working their butt for me and my siblings.
I don't want to be selfish, because it only makes me guilty, and because I was 'program' that way. Being the oldest means you have to be more mature and let the little ones get what they want but to a certain extent. I help m parents out even though it takes some of my time away - I do it because they have no else to rely on, because at the moment my little sister doesn't have a guilty conscious like if I choose to not help my parents out. And my little brother is too young to do anything that requires muscles. rofl.
I rather people be happy than me - because I know that if I was to die at least I did some good to those who I care about. I use to give myself to my parents all the time, which ends up haunting me because I'll end up having less time with school work. But nowadays I tell my parents ' no' whenever I really need to study. My parents should understand now that i'm in college and that most of the time its about ME.