Dying...

I wonder if I die will she grow up.
Should I kill myself in order for her to see that I can't be there for everyone?
We are suppose to share the burden.
She's thinks she's the only one in pain, but I'm on the other end receiving more impact because of her lack of interest on the surface.

She made feel miserable about who I am. But I still walk on.
She degrades me as a person. But I am still around.

She thinks she's mature because of her solitude life, yet why is everyone running to me when they need help? Why doesn't she realize she's causing me indirect unnecessary burdens.
Life is hard when things that shouldn't be bothered are taking over.

//Aneko//

一月十四號 - 青天

Feeling irritated. Like I want to punch something. WHY? Because spring class is starting in two weeks, my birthday is next Thursday and I'm busy from morning to night. sigh. Feeling a bit down. I asked my dad if we're gonna do dinner for my birthday and he said 'yeah most likely' and I'm okay, "I won't go to my class" and he said, "won't you miss a lot of important stuff" and i'm like "yeah". At this point I don't care too much, because 22nd is the last day of class, but my dad was like we can always reschedule. My dad has a point but I really don't feel like going to class on the day of my birthday. Whatever I'll go to class. Whatever. Getting a little depress actually at the moment. I'm going through a phase where I want to give up.  The class is not hard, but just that I don't have time for myself and that really gets me. Working during the day and then I have evening classes. I get home by 10pm. So yeah.

Currently listening to music to cheer me up.

再見

Entry #11

I'm such a retarded sad little person. Literally.
Just a moment ago, I was watching this video of my three friends - Wei, Cindy and Ting (well more like x-friend now). I was like 'oh my god, thats Ting'. I finally get to see how she is and all. She grew out her hair which looks pretty girly on her. From the looks of it she lost some weight too. Heh. And then I feel like crying..well I did tear...because that feeling of being abandoned came back. I really feel so freaking weak when it comes to friends. Because of this feeling I want to move away from NY. I can't believe I even WANT that. Just for one friend who just doesn't seem to give a shit how I feel...yet I'm still wondering how she's doing?
I always ask myself...she doesn't want to be your friend so what?
But I'm like...4 years...and she decide to cut it just like that without a word?
It really hurts...
It hurts more than when I got dumped.
I really wish she would just talk to me.
I don't want to assume anymore...FUCK!

I just wish if this dying feeling is real...if it is, I want it...(i'm fucked up)