When you feel like you're not mature enough...

So on Sunday, I felt like I was being a child.
All I wanted was to play with my friends.
I can honestly say, I paid less attention to my boyfriend.
Even when he cut his foot, I just went around asking for a band aid from my friends and that was it. It was a minor cut, but I didn't want any bacteria to go in it. But I didn't know what else to do. So I just like didn't pay much attention afterward, and just continue on my day.

He stayed with Kai the whole time. He never came to me. When he saw me, he didn't even give me a hug. I know he has the tanning oil on, but still, a kiss on the forehead, some kind of affection might have made me feel like 'hi honey'. But he never did. He never came over to me, the whole day to see how I'm doing. If I wanted food. Or just simply walk over to give me a hug. Which is why I N V Diana and Cheng. They're affectionate when they are alone, and when they are among friends.

The only time I think Rui was ever carrying was when its only me and him. So its almost like when we're in a group, he's not my boyfriend.

I asked him once if he wanted food, so I got him a burger. I didn't make him anything, because I was having fun. He complained to me, how he didn't eat much, because things weren't cooked, so other words, I didn't make him any food.

I asked him if he can get me my camera, since my hand was full of sand. He said 'no'. I asked him to put on sunscreen on, because he'll get burn he said 'no'. Its so hard to ask him to do something for me nowadays. He only does it when he feels like he's okay doing it. I do everything for him. I'm starting to feel like this might be a one way thing. I spoil him rotten, I take care of him, I feed him, I listen to him. Why do I feel like this relationship will go downhill soon. It would be a matter of time before I blow up and just end it.

He got the heart to want to be with me. But his actions doesn't show enough for me to feel like this relationship to work. I don't expect a one and one reciprocal action to each other. But at least if I ask you to do something, just do it. It wasn't a far walk to begin with.

Then again I guess he didn't want to walk if he didn't have to because the salt from the sand would irritate his wound. But he just said 'no'. If i ask him he might say that he doesn't want to use that as a excuse. Because he said that to me when he went in the water, when he knows its still bleeding, a little bit.

This is where the whole thing comes in.

All I want was to have fun, so the last time into the water I dragged him with me. After a little bit in the water, Anne asked Rui 'Rui didnt' you get a cut on your foot? Is it still bleeding?' He said a little and I'm like what the heck. And Anne was saying how bacteria and everything and I got pissed off at him.

Because I was like 'is this your way of making me feel guilty again?' He touches my face and pushed it away. He said no and said he didn't want to sound like he's using his minor cut as an excuse.

Throughout the whole day I didn't look at him. I convinced him to stay until 8pm, before that happened, but I kicked him out. Kai and Anne wanted to go, so I'm like 'Rui is going to leave soon too, so ask him if he can drive you'. And they left. He didn't even try to come over to at least try to hug me or give me a kiss or say 'we'll talk later'. He just walked away upset with Kai and Anne.

Then he called me later that night, twice.
The first voicemail was: "whatever"
The second voicemail was: how he felt, how he didn't understand why I got upset. etc.

I called him and we made up. I just said I was wrong the whole thing. And then I said that I don't think I'm 'mature' enough. He said don't turn this around. He doesn't want me to even think about 'breaking up'. He said he hates it when something like this happens. And I don't blame him. Throughout our five month relationship thus far, he never said 'I don't want you' not even jokingly. But I do it all the time. Even when there was a moment he could have said it because it fixed the context he didn't say it.

So whose wrong and whose right? Or half and half?

I don't feel like i'm his gf when we're together with my group of friends.

Sometimes I wonder if this kind of stuff typical in a relationship.

My cousin asked:
Does he make you laugh? Sometimes.
Does he make your heart go fast? Not as much.

Do I want to break-up with him? The answer is of course not.
Its the things he says wants me to stay with him, but I wonder how long that will last.

I really do like him. But sometimes I feel like I'm not appreciated.

//Aneko//