When you do things for family is there really a time where you would STOP 'sacrificing' yourself?

I really don't want to fight with her. She (metaphorly) spills a little blood and that's all she can give. Because she feels like she's given enough. Shouldn't there be infinite sacrifices - especially for your family member, whether you like them or not? She likes the last words to everything. I'm not gonna express myself. There's no need. She already damned me. I'm just another fucktard whose taking up space.

Our biological mother is going for surgery, a minor one. She just has a hole in her heart. She scheduled it Wednesday. I decide to skip class to be with her. Its a surgery no doubt. But if its possible for me to go to my morning class and then come back by 8pm I can visit her, by that time she would be out of surgery a long time ago. And this was my little sister's response. I'm starting to care less and less for her. I want to care less and less for her.

 

its not my problem if u cant go to class.

i dont care what happens to you cause im done with sacrifices,

which im sure u dont know about or deny.

so im not waking up early for something she scheduled

i need my sleep. i do my work the next day before class

so i wont have a computer in front of me if im there.

 

~Chui, Siu Ping (Tiffany)

 I guess since I'm not planning reply to your rude e-mail, I'll just say it here.

FUCK YOU!


//Aneko//

Missing him.

I'm having one those moments where I just have to blog my feelings, since I left my diary at home.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a total fool. A fool in love. I went back to read his old blog, some of the entries were about me. Expressing his 'love' for me. I was very skeptical about him, because I'm like there's no way he would be 'head over heels' for someone like me. It doesn't make sense. I'm not girly, I'm such a boy, I'm not even smart, I wear a size 8 pants and L in shirts. lol. But I guess it was my personality? But then again, what if I was a big girl, would he have found me as attractive and would he just only see me as a friend. I know physical appearance matter along with a good heart. But reading those entries again, just puts a smile on my face. Because its him that love me first, so I know he won't break my heart so its a safe place for me to love him back. But some things are too good to be true. And thats what I fear. Maybe its all in my head, maybe he's just infatuated by me, and when time passes he might just not love me or desire my presence as much. I guess its me talking crazy here or I'm just used to looking at all my options. I know I will. So that when something 'bad' happens I won't be as heart broken, then again I did the same thing with Jong and my heart was shattered to bits. And I guess on top of these feelings, I don't want to intercourse with him, because if he breaks me I'll feel dirty.Which is why I'm glad that I never did it with Jong. He had too many crushes in his head that I felt like I need to put a little wall.

Well all that was just stuff that suddenly came up, but what I really want to write is how I missed him so much that I teared for a sec, when he had to go home. I don't know why, I've seen him more this week than ever since school ended. But each time he leaves I feel so crush. When I asked him to stay with me for the night. Because honestly, being alone in my mom's place gets kinda depressing. But then again I like being alone in her house. But I guess I know that he's close by that I just want him with me. All I want was for him to just for one night, stay with me. But he couldn't. So I was trying to hold back from tearing in front of him until I closed the door behind him. I don't want this feeling, because I feel like I'm being clingy, and that I might just start being a baby when things don't go my way. I'm afraid that I might just give 100% to him.

I am trying to control myself, but its so hard. Its funny, because you would think that I would have this feeling the first month or two of the relationship, but I'm actually in my 'love bubble' two months afterwards, while he was in his bubble the first day. So after he left, I didn't talk to him that much, I even try to get him to hang up the phone, because that tight feeling in my chest won't go away. And today I just text him here and there. Didn't even call him. I only talked to him once when he called me. But it was short, because I was eating and watching CSI. I don't want to divide my attention when I'm with him.

He gives me that assurance that he will be there for me forever that it feels too good to be true. I guess I'm hindered by my parents. Dad was miserable in both marriages. My mom took her god damn long enough to find the right guy, after going thru several guys. And my little sister being that 20 years old she still has that strong ability to reject every guy that ask her out. I don't know how she does it. She said that I would go out with anyone who asks me out. Which is not true.


Well time to go back to homework.

//Aneko//

Empty

The feeling of feeling empty is a feeling right?

All I want to do is just listen to music.

You can call me a bitch a dumb person whose oblivious to everything.

Because everything you say to me affects me.

I care therefore I am hurt.

Which is why death seems so welcoming sometimes.

十一月五日 - 雨天

Sometimes I don't know what I should be doing? If the way I'm thinking now is the best and correct way for me to handle the situation.

I'm going back to building up my defense mechanism when Jong broke up with me.

At first I thought I could open my heart again and allow myself to date again. When I finally do I end up falling for Michael Yen, but its because of his personality and not because of his looks (not very attractive at all). Then Anne came to the picture and I start to back away. Everyone was telling me how similar Anne and I was, that I'm starting to back away from him. At least when he's not hurt or anything. Then Rui came along, and I just find him to be kinda cute. But I can't find myself attract to him. Which is why I'm gonna make it clear to him, to not waste time on me, if he's just being close because he likes me. Then I got Andy, I don't know what is with this guy, I swear he's into Dominique yet he's flowing over to me? Maybe what Bianca said was correct, that he just wants info on Dominique (since Dominique is breaking up with her boyfriend after their trip to Canada). So I must be overthinking. But I can't find myself being with a non-asian, because I feel that non-asians won't appreciate who I am and just how I look (not claiming that I look good or anything, but I still look like a bloody freshmen).

So right now I'm going back to what I've always been, no relationship. Not even dating. I don't care what James Weider have to say, that guy can take his wisdom and shove it up his ass. I really can care less. I have no time for guys, so there is no point in thinking about it.

What really turned me off is the relationship I see between Anne and Michael. The problem they had before that prevented me from doing my own work was like the last straw. Anne being with Miguel and Michael complaining to me. I don't know why I care so much for people around me, and I end up pulling my old habit again - helping with friend's issue before my own. I'm just gonna be there when I have the time to deal with them. But from what Anne told me yesterday they shouldn't need me for a while. They're so much fun to be with, when we take out the quarrel out of the equation.

And I have Park, who called me Yesterday because he lost his wallet. I'm like FML, now the responsibility is on me to help him call Lost and Found on Monday. WHY PARK!?! Why did you call me and not your other friends who speaks both Korean and English!! because I was on the phone like fifteen minutes trying to understand his situation. OMG. But then again he's a stranger in the U.S so it only makes sense he would look for a native to help him out. I think I would have done the same.

Now I need to take care of my Psychology exam (Thursday) first before anything else.

I can't believe I'm going to the compeition this Sunday. FML

I'm glad that I blogged before starting my reading. Feeling a lot better. I don't find the need to burden anyone my life, when they all have their own shit to deal with. I guess I like to be dependent on.

I'm stupid.

If only sudicide did not leave anything negative behind...

If only killing oneself doesn't involve the sadness of family.
If only killing oneself wasn't look down by others.
If only killing oneself isn't illegal.
If only I did not born into a world where I have three meals, a roof over my head, clothes to wear then I wouldn't need to feel guilty about throwing my life, while there are those who are working hard everyday to feed themselves.

I might actually prescribe a bottle of sleeping pills and give myself a good night sleep.

Feeling no connection.

Feeling excluded.
Feeling lonely.
Feeling sadness.
Feeling hatred.
Feeling lost.
Feeling pain.
Feeling unwanted.
Feeling I am Lost.

Scared to get sick

I'm not scare to take pills or go thru a long wait to see the doctor.
I just feel like I can't get sick. Because once I do, that's when things start acting up in the house.
My dad would be even MORE caring ( I don't mind) but its just that it makes me uncomfortable knowing that my stepmom is around. Because I feel like her glare is gonna burn a hole thru my dad's head. On the second day of me getting sick after my dad left for work she says "sigh, seriously, different people born at different times" (trying to translate what ever she said from cantonese). So yeah..like she already told me how she feels about my dad's treatment toward me in comparison to her or my little brother. Its just that when my little sister and I get sick, she barely ask how we're doing, or make things especially for us. Like I didn't feel like eating for two days in a row, dad made me pumpkin congee. My stepmom would have never done it for me. Or feel my head to make sure I didn't get a fever, like my dad does every morning. Its just different. I don't know...my bro got my mom to pamper over him, so I don't know why does she want both her and my dad to like watch over him. I mean for god sake I watch over my little brother, always constantly asking him how he's doing. So whats the big deal. Maybe my dad is just too use to one side parenting. I don't know. It just feels so awkward that I know how my stepmom feels and don't know how to handle the situation. Even my dad knows that my stepmom is jealous. So how come he's not doing anything? Like everyone knows what each other is thinking, yet nothing is done to solve it.

I'm running out of ideas and strength to continue holding the family together. Its too much for a 20 year old to do it. I already feel like 30.

五月一十五號 - 晴天

Sometimes I wonder is it too much to ask for some peace and quiet. Its hard enough that I have to listen to this. Sometimes I talk back so things will end fast. I really don't need outside people to hear how messed up my family is.

I Hate Mother's Day.

This is what I wrote to a fellow classmate, but I realize that I got my answer as I was trying to get an advice from her.
Hey [Insert Name],
I have a question. Just a personal dilemma sort of thing.
I hate Mother's Day. I'm sure you know why.
So every year it falls on the date where I unofficially see my biological mother. For all these years I never had any problem with that. Until recently my stepmom starts showing signs of jealously. So this week like every year I would say 'hey lets grab dinner this Saturday, okay'? This year she gave me, 'well its been like this for 10 years already, why wouldn't it be okay'. At that point I felt guilty. So I like e-mail my biological mother if its okay to spend Mother's Day a day earlier. I told her why and everything. After I send it I feel like I did it wrong. Like I should have done it next year instead. And now I feel guilty.

Like I don't know. I tell people I don't have a mom. My stemom gets jealous when my dad treats us a little better, like buying us clothing or offering things to my little sister and I. My biological mom, I feel like i'm intruding in her life. Like she want to be with us because she doesn't want us to hate her because of what she did. When I'm with my mom I feel like I just want to hug her.
...[END]

After I typed that part, I started to cry.
Now that I think about it, why do I have to cry over a simple situation
I just have to start to take turns in spending Mother's day with every year now. Its only fair to both. A simple plan and I couldn't think of it after I wrote that letter that I plan not to send. I always figure out things AFTER I cry. A create way to solve every personal problem.

Fuck me.

Doesn't want to be happy.

I really don't know what I want from my biological mother.
Sometimes I think if it was better if she never came back for us.
So I can continue to hate her.

But now she dances back to my life I feel like I should embrace her existence.

All she kept saying is that she wants to be happy.
She took that away from us.
We're forever miserable.

She said my sister (including me) doesn't let go the past.
How can we when you tramatized us when we were young...apparently not young enough to not remember anything.
Our unhappiness is justified.
She should just let us be. Choose whether to be happy or not.
Its not up to her anymore.

I don't want to be happy, just content that i have a roof over my head, education, job and clothing and food. Thats it. I don't think I want to experience full happiness because I end up being disappointed in this life.

BOOYAH!

Ache - Talking about the past.

I don't know why, but I have to write out my current feelings. Like right now. Or there's no way I can concentrate on my schoolwork.

Today, I told two classmates of mine, about my pass life. How my mother fucked up my life. How I became the person that everyone wants. To the point, I don't know who I really am. Identity, my identity, I should pass that stage already. I should have figure out what I want, or who I am at least. But I really can't figure that out yet.

As I tell her about my sad life, I feel disgusted about myself, even ashamed of it. At the end of the class, I ask myself, why did I just tell her or anyone this? I never told people how I don't know who I am, and that my family thinks I'm an ideal granddaughter or daughter, because I made myself into one. Growing up too fast. Suddenly I didn't want to talk about it anymore.I don't want to talk to anybody about it. I feel like I'm asking for pity. There are people who are going thru a crisis and I'm here, expression my past, the PAST.

And I feel guilty degrading my biological mother, blaming my father who brought me up and my stepmother who is showing some improvement and blending in with the family. Like why am I doing this to them. To me, I feel like I'm totally disrespecting them, backstabbing them. Its the truth, so why am I ashame of it? Ashame of myself for even expressing myself, the way I did yesterday.

My heart ached for some odd reason hence I have to write yesterdays event out.

Also...

For two days, I kept asking myself, why did I threw the board at Evelyn. A wonderful friend and I could have ended it with my stupidity. Fucking Ting left me with such paranoidal that I keep thinking the same negative shit over and over again. I don't want to lose anymore friends. I feel like crap. I literally think that Evelyn would ignore me, or be 'fake' in front of me. And so will Kenny, knowing that I hurt his girlfriend. I was like shit shit. I couldn't even bring myself to call her and ask her if I left her black and blue. Maybe I'm being overdramatic about it, but if someone threw a board at I would be pissed.

Fuck.

Parents.

I really don't know what my stepmother want.
She complain about my father not communicating with her. About how my father doesn't care about her. How he treats us better than her.
Apparently being his kid is not a good enough answer.
He try to talk to her, like today while they were cooking, she gets aggravated whenever he ask her a simple question. She would sound like he's annoying. She doesn't answer in a nice way.

I feel so tight on my chest, because I really want to tell her to stop being such a bitch. She's getting her way and she doesn't seem to see it. I swear I don't know how much I can 'pretend' before I burst out. I just feel bad for my father.

Dreaming about planning out my death

Its funny, how I'm not dying, yet I'm already thinking of what to do to make sure that my family doesn't have to do too much planning. Its weird, and this is how I fall asleep at night. Besides wanting company. The more I want something to happen the more I feel stupid about myself. Weak. Miserable. When I don't care...heh. Yeah right, like I can really become the 'I-don't-care' person anymore. Thats gonna take some work. Typing on the blog is easier than writing on paper, because i'll have to constantly cross-out and rewrite it when i can just in one swift click I can delete something.

No Time.

Why do I feel like I don't have time for anything anymore?
I want to quit my work, but I can't because I don't want to be limited to how much I spend. My parents tend to make me re-think whenever I want to go out by saying, 'Stop wasting your money, you only get XYZ'. Hence I work. I get to drink and eat whatever I want. I only work once a week now. Not a big deal, not a big enough reason for me to quit anyway.

Feeling emo again.

I cant' seem to get my school work over with.

I can't focus.

My management is really weak.