Rebellious...a little late, ain't it?

So I don't know why I am going thru this.

Maybe because my parents know about my condition regarding to school that they're up on my butt about studying my physics over. Because there's a chance that I will have to retake physics for the third time. Its like reading a book but having the last chapter missing. Its the excruciating. Why can't my professor just say sure, and give me those few points from a C- to a C. Every now and then when I think about retaking Physics again I want to cry. That's how much I hate physics.

So every time I mention about going out, my parents give me that 'again' look. And they go like 'I know, I've already remind you over and over again how you should spend more time studying rather than to go out' etc..and the ranting goes on. I feel like I can't look forward to anything fun. Fun comes in last...why do parents say that kind of stuff? What if I die like RIGHT now. I don't know. I feel like I might die any time, and that I should do the things I like while balancing thru school and family.

James once said that being 'smart' isn't everything. You can have A's thru out your school year, but where do you stand on the social ladder? What kind of character do you have? Personality? Yeah you're a bookworm, but what other qualification do you have other than getting A's on your exams.
- So what he said is it valid?

Being with my boyfriend for almost 5 months (August 8th) I feel like my parents already know. I mean come on, he calls me every night and we talk for hours on the phone. I was never this talkative on the phone. Being home I feel guilty. Guilty of being in love , and to hide it from my parents. Parents who taken care of me for 21 years. But I don't trust my dad to understand me. Nor do I trust him to be civilize with me when it comes to something like this. Because I know for a fact, no one in the family will back me up. My stepmom will agree with my father without a doubt. I feel so empty and lost because I don't know what to think. My biological mother said it will all pass, once I graduate and get a job, at that point, my parents have no power over me. Or effect on me. Because then I've done something neither my father nor stepmom have every accomplish. A college degree and a job. Sometimes I feel like I want to tell my dad like RIGHT NOW. Because if he knows what I think he knows then why isn't he asking me questions. Why is he not confronting me? Why be angry underneath and wait for the bomb inside to hit 'zero'.

It just seems like everything I do, is wrong, and when I go against them go like 'WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LIKE THIS? YOU NEVER GREW UP. ALWAYS SO STUBBORN. WHY YOU NEVER AIM HIGH'

When we play MahJong, they go like why don't you try to learn and pick up strategies other than to stay around the same area, why not try to move up

I want to sit on the leg rest thingy while playing Mahjong because its comfortable.
why don't you grab a normal seat, why do you force yourself to sit in a lower level when its harder for you to grab the tiles or when you have to pick up the row of tiles while you're readying the game.

I'm going out.
Why are you always going out. You go out, when you come home dinner is ready for you.
My little sister's favorite line: You're never home. WOW you're actually home.

I'm not smart unlike my little sister whose a straight A student.
I'm not neat unlike my little sister whose room is clean and well organized.
I'm not careful unlike my little sister I always screw up in errands and chores.
I'm not a quick learner unlike my little sister who gets it in a snap.
I'm not 'fit' like my little sister she's a seize 2 i'm a size 8.
I have no personality.
I do whatever I'm told.
I'm slow unlike my little sister who gets it.
I'm not mouth-smart unlike my little sister fights back with the right reasons.
I'm not street smart like my little sister makes things her advantage.

What am I good at? Like my parents claim, all I know what to do is having fun. And helping people. So whats the point in living when all I am good at is wasting time.

But it gets even more depressing when I compare myself to other people who aren't as lucky as I am, yet I am thinking so much negative things. Even thinking about dying because I need to retake a course, or because my parents don't understand me. I am living well, eating well, and fully clothed. Yet I continue to think all these negative things. And when I try to not think about it, and compare myself to other people I get even more depress.

I just want to go back to Stony Brook when I have more control over myself.
When I want to eat, what I want to eat. I don't feel bad about staying out late when I know there's no one waiting for me at the dorm. Who I'm hanging out with. I just wish I can just cuddle with my boyfriend just have a good night sleep and wake up to see his face and not to the thought of taking physics again. It would totally ruined my fall semseter. I'm taking all the classes I WANT to take.

FUCK I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FEEL SO EWLY ABOUT MYSELF. I FEEL LIKE I'M BETTER THAN THIS, WHY DO I KEEP DOWNGRADING MYSELF. WHY CAN'T JUST LOOK UP THE RULES OF MAHJOHNG ONLINE. AND LEARN IT. WHY CAN'T I JUST CLEAN MY ROOM EVERYDAY, ORGANIZE IT AND JUST THROW OUT EVERYTHING. NO MORE KEEPING THINGS FOR OTHERS. WHY CAN'T I JUST GO OUT FORA RUN AND JUST DO WHATEVER I CAN TO IMPROVE MYSELF.