十一月五日 - 雨天

Sometimes I don't know what I should be doing? If the way I'm thinking now is the best and correct way for me to handle the situation.

I'm going back to building up my defense mechanism when Jong broke up with me.

At first I thought I could open my heart again and allow myself to date again. When I finally do I end up falling for Michael Yen, but its because of his personality and not because of his looks (not very attractive at all). Then Anne came to the picture and I start to back away. Everyone was telling me how similar Anne and I was, that I'm starting to back away from him. At least when he's not hurt or anything. Then Rui came along, and I just find him to be kinda cute. But I can't find myself attract to him. Which is why I'm gonna make it clear to him, to not waste time on me, if he's just being close because he likes me. Then I got Andy, I don't know what is with this guy, I swear he's into Dominique yet he's flowing over to me? Maybe what Bianca said was correct, that he just wants info on Dominique (since Dominique is breaking up with her boyfriend after their trip to Canada). So I must be overthinking. But I can't find myself being with a non-asian, because I feel that non-asians won't appreciate who I am and just how I look (not claiming that I look good or anything, but I still look like a bloody freshmen).

So right now I'm going back to what I've always been, no relationship. Not even dating. I don't care what James Weider have to say, that guy can take his wisdom and shove it up his ass. I really can care less. I have no time for guys, so there is no point in thinking about it.

What really turned me off is the relationship I see between Anne and Michael. The problem they had before that prevented me from doing my own work was like the last straw. Anne being with Miguel and Michael complaining to me. I don't know why I care so much for people around me, and I end up pulling my old habit again - helping with friend's issue before my own. I'm just gonna be there when I have the time to deal with them. But from what Anne told me yesterday they shouldn't need me for a while. They're so much fun to be with, when we take out the quarrel out of the equation.

And I have Park, who called me Yesterday because he lost his wallet. I'm like FML, now the responsibility is on me to help him call Lost and Found on Monday. WHY PARK!?! Why did you call me and not your other friends who speaks both Korean and English!! because I was on the phone like fifteen minutes trying to understand his situation. OMG. But then again he's a stranger in the U.S so it only makes sense he would look for a native to help him out. I think I would have done the same.

Now I need to take care of my Psychology exam (Thursday) first before anything else.

I can't believe I'm going to the compeition this Sunday. FML

I'm glad that I blogged before starting my reading. Feeling a lot better. I don't find the need to burden anyone my life, when they all have their own shit to deal with. I guess I like to be dependent on.

I'm stupid.

一十月四ho

GO back like it was before?

Having friends are great, but having friends who changed their alttuide because of what I did is heartaching. No more 'mei' no more 'jie'. That feeling is gone. I don't think I talk to anyone else more than to my 'jie'. Once you stop saying it, it feels like you're really faraway from that person, the interest of talking dies. Like with Emily, Cindy and Maggie. I call them 'mui' but they never call me 'gah jie'. The only time they use the word 'jie' is 'but you're my jie'. I really want to think its just her trying to get back at me. But real friends can forgive friends, but then again real friends don't say shit about their parents.

The only person I feel like I can talk to literally whenever is gone. Back to my world of silence.

To care or not to care?

Just wondering. How would feel if I didn't care about what goes on.
If someone steps in front of me I walk around it.
If I hurt someone I avoid them for the rest of my life.
If I get shot down, I don't get up.

How will I end up?

If only sudicide did not leave anything negative behind...

If only killing oneself doesn't involve the sadness of family.
If only killing oneself wasn't look down by others.
If only killing oneself isn't illegal.
If only I did not born into a world where I have three meals, a roof over my head, clothes to wear then I wouldn't need to feel guilty about throwing my life, while there are those who are working hard everyday to feed themselves.

I might actually prescribe a bottle of sleeping pills and give myself a good night sleep.

Who am I kidding.

I hate emos and I'm every full moon become one of the.
How pathetic.
I smile and laugh and encourage around everyone. But can't I do that for myself. I don't know maybe I'm longing for someone I can pour my heart too. Just someone who I can just call or be with and not say a word. Or just hear them talk. Someone I can feel a connection. Common interest. Something. Maybe its just me. Maybe i'm not applying myself to gain some sort of interest like everyone else. Some people like this certain author or anime and I don't bring myself to look into it. This shit reminds me how Ting use to recommend this and that and each time I said I will look into it and I never did. Pathetic.

Lets make a list of why I feel Pathetic:
1. I am a horrible role model for my little brother. I am bringing him up the wrong way according to my little sister because everyone in the family is spoiling him. While she thinks that because everyone is spoiling him that she shouldn't put in any effort to teach him.

2. I can't seem to ever clean my room even if I try it still looks the same. Can never seem to organize things the way my little sister does, who accomplish it so well.

3. Constantly feeling that I don't have the ambition to do well in school. I would study for hours and never a good result.

4. I feel pointless. Hence I watch pointless animes.

5.

Feeling no connection.

Feeling excluded.
Feeling lonely.
Feeling sadness.
Feeling hatred.
Feeling lost.
Feeling pain.
Feeling unwanted.
Feeling I am Lost.

Scared to get sick

I'm not scare to take pills or go thru a long wait to see the doctor.
I just feel like I can't get sick. Because once I do, that's when things start acting up in the house.
My dad would be even MORE caring ( I don't mind) but its just that it makes me uncomfortable knowing that my stepmom is around. Because I feel like her glare is gonna burn a hole thru my dad's head. On the second day of me getting sick after my dad left for work she says "sigh, seriously, different people born at different times" (trying to translate what ever she said from cantonese). So yeah..like she already told me how she feels about my dad's treatment toward me in comparison to her or my little brother. Its just that when my little sister and I get sick, she barely ask how we're doing, or make things especially for us. Like I didn't feel like eating for two days in a row, dad made me pumpkin congee. My stepmom would have never done it for me. Or feel my head to make sure I didn't get a fever, like my dad does every morning. Its just different. I don't know...my bro got my mom to pamper over him, so I don't know why does she want both her and my dad to like watch over him. I mean for god sake I watch over my little brother, always constantly asking him how he's doing. So whats the big deal. Maybe my dad is just too use to one side parenting. I don't know. It just feels so awkward that I know how my stepmom feels and don't know how to handle the situation. Even my dad knows that my stepmom is jealous. So how come he's not doing anything? Like everyone knows what each other is thinking, yet nothing is done to solve it.

I'm running out of ideas and strength to continue holding the family together. Its too much for a 20 year old to do it. I already feel like 30.

五月一十五號 - 晴天

Sometimes I wonder is it too much to ask for some peace and quiet. Its hard enough that I have to listen to this. Sometimes I talk back so things will end fast. I really don't need outside people to hear how messed up my family is.

I Hate Mother's Day.

This is what I wrote to a fellow classmate, but I realize that I got my answer as I was trying to get an advice from her.
Hey [Insert Name],
I have a question. Just a personal dilemma sort of thing.
I hate Mother's Day. I'm sure you know why.
So every year it falls on the date where I unofficially see my biological mother. For all these years I never had any problem with that. Until recently my stepmom starts showing signs of jealously. So this week like every year I would say 'hey lets grab dinner this Saturday, okay'? This year she gave me, 'well its been like this for 10 years already, why wouldn't it be okay'. At that point I felt guilty. So I like e-mail my biological mother if its okay to spend Mother's Day a day earlier. I told her why and everything. After I send it I feel like I did it wrong. Like I should have done it next year instead. And now I feel guilty.

Like I don't know. I tell people I don't have a mom. My stemom gets jealous when my dad treats us a little better, like buying us clothing or offering things to my little sister and I. My biological mom, I feel like i'm intruding in her life. Like she want to be with us because she doesn't want us to hate her because of what she did. When I'm with my mom I feel like I just want to hug her.
...[END]

After I typed that part, I started to cry.
Now that I think about it, why do I have to cry over a simple situation
I just have to start to take turns in spending Mother's day with every year now. Its only fair to both. A simple plan and I couldn't think of it after I wrote that letter that I plan not to send. I always figure out things AFTER I cry. A create way to solve every personal problem.

Fuck me.

Mother's Day - its no longer about presents but who I spend it with.

Every year its a struggle when it comes to Holidays. Mother's Day is the worst.
Because my stepmom doesn't like it when I spend it with my biological mother.
Even though I said lets celebrate it early, from her tone she wants to spend it ON mother's day.
And mother's day is always the date I see my biological mother.
I seriously don't know why she can't see that we treat her way better than we do with our OWN mother. With my stepmom we treat her to dinner, and gifts. With my biological mom we eat dinner with her, but she would never let us pay and she's hard to buy gifts for when she can pretty much afford anything she wants.

I feel guilty for not disappointing my stepmom, but why can't people understand that I have three lifes. I have my dad's, my biological mom and my stepmom to please. Give me a break. All the official holidays I spend it with my father and stepmom, its only Mother's day I spend it with own Mother.

Can't being a child with split parents.

Doesn't want to be happy.

I really don't know what I want from my biological mother.
Sometimes I think if it was better if she never came back for us.
So I can continue to hate her.

But now she dances back to my life I feel like I should embrace her existence.

All she kept saying is that she wants to be happy.
She took that away from us.
We're forever miserable.

She said my sister (including me) doesn't let go the past.
How can we when you tramatized us when we were young...apparently not young enough to not remember anything.
Our unhappiness is justified.
She should just let us be. Choose whether to be happy or not.
Its not up to her anymore.

I don't want to be happy, just content that i have a roof over my head, education, job and clothing and food. Thats it. I don't think I want to experience full happiness because I end up being disappointed in this life.

BOOYAH!

Ache - Talking about the past.

I don't know why, but I have to write out my current feelings. Like right now. Or there's no way I can concentrate on my schoolwork.

Today, I told two classmates of mine, about my pass life. How my mother fucked up my life. How I became the person that everyone wants. To the point, I don't know who I really am. Identity, my identity, I should pass that stage already. I should have figure out what I want, or who I am at least. But I really can't figure that out yet.

As I tell her about my sad life, I feel disgusted about myself, even ashamed of it. At the end of the class, I ask myself, why did I just tell her or anyone this? I never told people how I don't know who I am, and that my family thinks I'm an ideal granddaughter or daughter, because I made myself into one. Growing up too fast. Suddenly I didn't want to talk about it anymore.I don't want to talk to anybody about it. I feel like I'm asking for pity. There are people who are going thru a crisis and I'm here, expression my past, the PAST.

And I feel guilty degrading my biological mother, blaming my father who brought me up and my stepmother who is showing some improvement and blending in with the family. Like why am I doing this to them. To me, I feel like I'm totally disrespecting them, backstabbing them. Its the truth, so why am I ashame of it? Ashame of myself for even expressing myself, the way I did yesterday.

My heart ached for some odd reason hence I have to write yesterdays event out.

Also...

For two days, I kept asking myself, why did I threw the board at Evelyn. A wonderful friend and I could have ended it with my stupidity. Fucking Ting left me with such paranoidal that I keep thinking the same negative shit over and over again. I don't want to lose anymore friends. I feel like crap. I literally think that Evelyn would ignore me, or be 'fake' in front of me. And so will Kenny, knowing that I hurt his girlfriend. I was like shit shit. I couldn't even bring myself to call her and ask her if I left her black and blue. Maybe I'm being overdramatic about it, but if someone threw a board at I would be pissed.

Fuck.

Parents II.

Why is that one argument tend to lead to something different, and they think that its not it?
My dad asked my stepmom if she wants to read these magazines, because if not, he's gonna recycle them like he always does. And she gave him a 'dead' answer, to my father that was the last straw. So he sort of blew up, and ask her whats her problem. She's always bitching about him, about his way of tone, and she doesn't seem to see it in herself. She does, but she doesn't care. I ask her and she evaded the question. So from their lack of communication to, who does the most work in the house, or who put in more effort? What the fuck? And here my dad making himself sound like he 'the perfect dad and husband' and my stepmo is making herself sound like the 'changed, and well-cooperative wife'. Throughout the conversation, I feel like she's jealous of the way my dad talks to me. My dad said if i have a favor he will try to compile and if its was my stepmom, nothing. Thats what she said, and she was in tears which doesn't make sense. and THe she was like tell the tenants to move out, because she's moving downstairs. I'm like 'mom, mom , mom, stop this crap'.

Criticize

I don't know, why I'm upset with my father.
Every single time he starts giving me the same life lectures I get extremely annoyed.
Its not even the first, second or third time.
I know he wish me well, but sometimes I really wish he would let me evolve on my own and not have him point finger at me at how slow I'm progressing. And that my the 'nerves in your brain' will not expand. Living in NY, you need to be 'sharp' and 'smart'. You can't just lazily go about your daily life. If you're so 'lazily' then don't bother with nursing, just be a Secretary, picking up phone calls. That got me really pissed off. And he wonders why I'm upset with him. Like his intentions are good, but his context is nerve-reckoning. I feel dumber and dumber. This is the part I think life is not worth living. I really want to do good, but there are other things I have to apply to myself tha I really think life is not worth it. I'm better off dead, and give up my organs to people who want to live, and then donate all my stuffs to kids who didn't get a chance to go thru the luxury that I got. I'm thinking, wow, I'm condeming myself over this. How stupid am I. But thats how I feel at the moment and I feel better about it.

Annoyed

I really don't like being on AIM anymore. I'm always busy with something and I tend to get interrupted.
Like this friend of mine, who just IMed me who says he needs a 'reality check' so he comes to me and throws emo-things at me. About education. I said why don't you go for law, since you like to express your opinions and extremely talkative. He said I'm the fifth one to tell him that. I'm like so I guess there's an option other than Computer Science. And then he goes thru this whole thing about how he did bad in law in Highschool. Big deal. I fucked up in all my science classes back in highschool, I'm still determine to be a nurse. What got me more pissed off was at the end, he said that what he's gonna say will kill everything I encourage. "I lost interest in law". What the fuck? I ask why didn't he say that the first place so I don't need to waste my time to encourage you. Ass.
Throughout the convo, I do not feel that I was any way comforting. I was more like a Pit bull whose gonna bit him if he continue to provoke me.

Parents.

I really don't know what my stepmother want.
She complain about my father not communicating with her. About how my father doesn't care about her. How he treats us better than her.
Apparently being his kid is not a good enough answer.
He try to talk to her, like today while they were cooking, she gets aggravated whenever he ask her a simple question. She would sound like he's annoying. She doesn't answer in a nice way.

I feel so tight on my chest, because I really want to tell her to stop being such a bitch. She's getting her way and she doesn't seem to see it. I swear I don't know how much I can 'pretend' before I burst out. I just feel bad for my father.

Not knowing whether I should be angry.

For a couple of days, I've been contemplating whether I should be mad at a friend of mine. Who pretty much cheated on his girlfriend, who lied to be from the beginning of what he really wanted. He purposely dragged things too long when it should have been over in a week or two, not a month. He pretty much lie to me about not able to come to my dinner, saying his friend was depress over a stupid break up. But he really wanted to be with that person. As you can see I really want to say the negative thing but I rather not. He lied when he said he wasn't interested in dating her, he was just attracted by her ditzy personality. The truth is he did want to approach her from day 1. What a idiot for me to believe everything he told me. I seriously made myself look like an ass, trying to help him, get out of the trivial situation. Why do people take advantage of me like this. I give them my heart and they throw it back to me with missing pieces.

I still cannot come up with a conclusion.

Soundtracks

The Lion King - Live Broadway Show - Original Soundtrack
Lavender - OST - Not too sure if this is it, because I was given this a long time ago.

Dreaming about planning out my death

Its funny, how I'm not dying, yet I'm already thinking of what to do to make sure that my family doesn't have to do too much planning. Its weird, and this is how I fall asleep at night. Besides wanting company. The more I want something to happen the more I feel stupid about myself. Weak. Miserable. When I don't care...heh. Yeah right, like I can really become the 'I-don't-care' person anymore. Thats gonna take some work. Typing on the blog is easier than writing on paper, because i'll have to constantly cross-out and rewrite it when i can just in one swift click I can delete something.

No Time.

Why do I feel like I don't have time for anything anymore?
I want to quit my work, but I can't because I don't want to be limited to how much I spend. My parents tend to make me re-think whenever I want to go out by saying, 'Stop wasting your money, you only get XYZ'. Hence I work. I get to drink and eat whatever I want. I only work once a week now. Not a big deal, not a big enough reason for me to quit anyway.

Feeling emo again.

I cant' seem to get my school work over with.

I can't focus.

My management is really weak.

Oh darn....

Well since its the new year. I should just make a new blog.
I have yet written or update anything in my diary.
Man I feel like my whole life is right before me.
Computer...Laptop....oh boy.