Ache - Talking about the past.

I don't know why, but I have to write out my current feelings. Like right now. Or there's no way I can concentrate on my schoolwork.

Today, I told two classmates of mine, about my pass life. How my mother fucked up my life. How I became the person that everyone wants. To the point, I don't know who I really am. Identity, my identity, I should pass that stage already. I should have figure out what I want, or who I am at least. But I really can't figure that out yet.

As I tell her about my sad life, I feel disgusted about myself, even ashamed of it. At the end of the class, I ask myself, why did I just tell her or anyone this? I never told people how I don't know who I am, and that my family thinks I'm an ideal granddaughter or daughter, because I made myself into one. Growing up too fast. Suddenly I didn't want to talk about it anymore.I don't want to talk to anybody about it. I feel like I'm asking for pity. There are people who are going thru a crisis and I'm here, expression my past, the PAST.

And I feel guilty degrading my biological mother, blaming my father who brought me up and my stepmother who is showing some improvement and blending in with the family. Like why am I doing this to them. To me, I feel like I'm totally disrespecting them, backstabbing them. Its the truth, so why am I ashame of it? Ashame of myself for even expressing myself, the way I did yesterday.

My heart ached for some odd reason hence I have to write yesterdays event out.

Also...

For two days, I kept asking myself, why did I threw the board at Evelyn. A wonderful friend and I could have ended it with my stupidity. Fucking Ting left me with such paranoidal that I keep thinking the same negative shit over and over again. I don't want to lose anymore friends. I feel like crap. I literally think that Evelyn would ignore me, or be 'fake' in front of me. And so will Kenny, knowing that I hurt his girlfriend. I was like shit shit. I couldn't even bring myself to call her and ask her if I left her black and blue. Maybe I'm being overdramatic about it, but if someone threw a board at I would be pissed.

Fuck.