Scared to get sick

I'm not scare to take pills or go thru a long wait to see the doctor.
I just feel like I can't get sick. Because once I do, that's when things start acting up in the house.
My dad would be even MORE caring ( I don't mind) but its just that it makes me uncomfortable knowing that my stepmom is around. Because I feel like her glare is gonna burn a hole thru my dad's head. On the second day of me getting sick after my dad left for work she says "sigh, seriously, different people born at different times" (trying to translate what ever she said from cantonese). So yeah..like she already told me how she feels about my dad's treatment toward me in comparison to her or my little brother. Its just that when my little sister and I get sick, she barely ask how we're doing, or make things especially for us. Like I didn't feel like eating for two days in a row, dad made me pumpkin congee. My stepmom would have never done it for me. Or feel my head to make sure I didn't get a fever, like my dad does every morning. Its just different. I don't know...my bro got my mom to pamper over him, so I don't know why does she want both her and my dad to like watch over him. I mean for god sake I watch over my little brother, always constantly asking him how he's doing. So whats the big deal. Maybe my dad is just too use to one side parenting. I don't know. It just feels so awkward that I know how my stepmom feels and don't know how to handle the situation. Even my dad knows that my stepmom is jealous. So how come he's not doing anything? Like everyone knows what each other is thinking, yet nothing is done to solve it.

I'm running out of ideas and strength to continue holding the family together. Its too much for a 20 year old to do it. I already feel like 30.

五月一十五號 - 晴天

Sometimes I wonder is it too much to ask for some peace and quiet. Its hard enough that I have to listen to this. Sometimes I talk back so things will end fast. I really don't need outside people to hear how messed up my family is.

I Hate Mother's Day.

This is what I wrote to a fellow classmate, but I realize that I got my answer as I was trying to get an advice from her.
Hey [Insert Name],
I have a question. Just a personal dilemma sort of thing.
I hate Mother's Day. I'm sure you know why.
So every year it falls on the date where I unofficially see my biological mother. For all these years I never had any problem with that. Until recently my stepmom starts showing signs of jealously. So this week like every year I would say 'hey lets grab dinner this Saturday, okay'? This year she gave me, 'well its been like this for 10 years already, why wouldn't it be okay'. At that point I felt guilty. So I like e-mail my biological mother if its okay to spend Mother's Day a day earlier. I told her why and everything. After I send it I feel like I did it wrong. Like I should have done it next year instead. And now I feel guilty.

Like I don't know. I tell people I don't have a mom. My stemom gets jealous when my dad treats us a little better, like buying us clothing or offering things to my little sister and I. My biological mom, I feel like i'm intruding in her life. Like she want to be with us because she doesn't want us to hate her because of what she did. When I'm with my mom I feel like I just want to hug her.
...[END]

After I typed that part, I started to cry.
Now that I think about it, why do I have to cry over a simple situation
I just have to start to take turns in spending Mother's day with every year now. Its only fair to both. A simple plan and I couldn't think of it after I wrote that letter that I plan not to send. I always figure out things AFTER I cry. A create way to solve every personal problem.

Fuck me.

Mother's Day - its no longer about presents but who I spend it with.

Every year its a struggle when it comes to Holidays. Mother's Day is the worst.
Because my stepmom doesn't like it when I spend it with my biological mother.
Even though I said lets celebrate it early, from her tone she wants to spend it ON mother's day.
And mother's day is always the date I see my biological mother.
I seriously don't know why she can't see that we treat her way better than we do with our OWN mother. With my stepmom we treat her to dinner, and gifts. With my biological mom we eat dinner with her, but she would never let us pay and she's hard to buy gifts for when she can pretty much afford anything she wants.

I feel guilty for not disappointing my stepmom, but why can't people understand that I have three lifes. I have my dad's, my biological mom and my stepmom to please. Give me a break. All the official holidays I spend it with my father and stepmom, its only Mother's day I spend it with own Mother.

Can't being a child with split parents.

Doesn't want to be happy.

I really don't know what I want from my biological mother.
Sometimes I think if it was better if she never came back for us.
So I can continue to hate her.

But now she dances back to my life I feel like I should embrace her existence.

All she kept saying is that she wants to be happy.
She took that away from us.
We're forever miserable.

She said my sister (including me) doesn't let go the past.
How can we when you tramatized us when we were young...apparently not young enough to not remember anything.
Our unhappiness is justified.
She should just let us be. Choose whether to be happy or not.
Its not up to her anymore.

I don't want to be happy, just content that i have a roof over my head, education, job and clothing and food. Thats it. I don't think I want to experience full happiness because I end up being disappointed in this life.

BOOYAH!

Ache - Talking about the past.

I don't know why, but I have to write out my current feelings. Like right now. Or there's no way I can concentrate on my schoolwork.

Today, I told two classmates of mine, about my pass life. How my mother fucked up my life. How I became the person that everyone wants. To the point, I don't know who I really am. Identity, my identity, I should pass that stage already. I should have figure out what I want, or who I am at least. But I really can't figure that out yet.

As I tell her about my sad life, I feel disgusted about myself, even ashamed of it. At the end of the class, I ask myself, why did I just tell her or anyone this? I never told people how I don't know who I am, and that my family thinks I'm an ideal granddaughter or daughter, because I made myself into one. Growing up too fast. Suddenly I didn't want to talk about it anymore.I don't want to talk to anybody about it. I feel like I'm asking for pity. There are people who are going thru a crisis and I'm here, expression my past, the PAST.

And I feel guilty degrading my biological mother, blaming my father who brought me up and my stepmother who is showing some improvement and blending in with the family. Like why am I doing this to them. To me, I feel like I'm totally disrespecting them, backstabbing them. Its the truth, so why am I ashame of it? Ashame of myself for even expressing myself, the way I did yesterday.

My heart ached for some odd reason hence I have to write yesterdays event out.

Also...

For two days, I kept asking myself, why did I threw the board at Evelyn. A wonderful friend and I could have ended it with my stupidity. Fucking Ting left me with such paranoidal that I keep thinking the same negative shit over and over again. I don't want to lose anymore friends. I feel like crap. I literally think that Evelyn would ignore me, or be 'fake' in front of me. And so will Kenny, knowing that I hurt his girlfriend. I was like shit shit. I couldn't even bring myself to call her and ask her if I left her black and blue. Maybe I'm being overdramatic about it, but if someone threw a board at I would be pissed.

Fuck.

Parents II.

Why is that one argument tend to lead to something different, and they think that its not it?
My dad asked my stepmom if she wants to read these magazines, because if not, he's gonna recycle them like he always does. And she gave him a 'dead' answer, to my father that was the last straw. So he sort of blew up, and ask her whats her problem. She's always bitching about him, about his way of tone, and she doesn't seem to see it in herself. She does, but she doesn't care. I ask her and she evaded the question. So from their lack of communication to, who does the most work in the house, or who put in more effort? What the fuck? And here my dad making himself sound like he 'the perfect dad and husband' and my stepmo is making herself sound like the 'changed, and well-cooperative wife'. Throughout the conversation, I feel like she's jealous of the way my dad talks to me. My dad said if i have a favor he will try to compile and if its was my stepmom, nothing. Thats what she said, and she was in tears which doesn't make sense. and THe she was like tell the tenants to move out, because she's moving downstairs. I'm like 'mom, mom , mom, stop this crap'.