Dying...

I wonder if I die will she grow up.
Should I kill myself in order for her to see that I can't be there for everyone?
We are suppose to share the burden.
She's thinks she's the only one in pain, but I'm on the other end receiving more impact because of her lack of interest on the surface.

She made feel miserable about who I am. But I still walk on.
She degrades me as a person. But I am still around.

She thinks she's mature because of her solitude life, yet why is everyone running to me when they need help? Why doesn't she realize she's causing me indirect unnecessary burdens.
Life is hard when things that shouldn't be bothered are taking over.

//Aneko//

Akeboshi - 廃墟のソファ (Haikyo no Sofa)

Being called 'Fat'

Normally I don't care if my parents call me fat.
But I guess once there's someone in your life you want to look good.
So I guess I will need to go to the gym at least once a day. And dieting.

>_<
Damn it.

//Aneko//

Nothing to say.

I hate it when I have nothing interesting to say.
I don't feel like I'm engaging in the relationship.
Maybe thats why I'm so playful, I make a fool out of myself and then something interesting happens.

Why am I such a boring person?

Oh well back to work.

//Aneko//

I actually have the urge to blog before going to sleep.

So I'm working on my math homework and I look at the time and its 2 in the morning. Granted I don't have class until 2pm. So why sleep so early. These couple of days I've been feeling all bubbly. The happy kind. How long will this one last? I don't want to give in too early which is why nothing is official yet. Its just so hard to explain.  Being in Stony Brook and living in West, I feel like I'm in an apartment and that freedom feels so good. But once summer vacation hits I know life will go back to my cage, where I am obligated to do everything for my family. But this time I won't be too upset about it. Because I know I have him to talk to and he will make my day. But at the same time the guilt is still there. So I have to decide to end it or keep it. Which is why not a lot of people know, because its not establish. If I end it, there will be no third chance. And I will only be breaking my own heart this time. Who knows when I'll piece is back together and open the windows again. Life is all about chances I guess. Maybe after two month, the feeling will be gone and if he was to end it at least I won't fall too hard, because the strings are not attach yet. Since I've been with him, I want to look good, but at the same time I don't want to lose my identity. My outfit is what make me feel the way I am, confident, strong, and open-minded. Maybe if one year hits I might just dress up. Just once. But its still too early to think about. I need to first focus on my exams and then my love life can come forward.

FIGHTING!

/Aneko/

Feeling Stupid.

Why the hell did I try last night?
I was frightened? Annoyed?

//Aneko//

I made it....not really.

Yesterday I got a phone call.
I got accepted to the Respiratory Care program.
I should be jumping up with joy. Having a little party of my own.
Sadly, I am failing one of the required classes, and I can't seem to move away from the reality.
No matter how I keep telling myself all the positive things that can happen.

Why am I like this?

I have to stop. I can't let people around me worry about me.
I need to cut my social life into half. Even more than half. I need to hide and study.

Who knew I actually drink half a smirnoff ice, because of my terrible mood.

I only had one, but I'm sleepy, so much for building up tolerance.

//Aneko//