Entry #11

I'm such a retarded sad little person. Literally.
Just a moment ago, I was watching this video of my three friends - Wei, Cindy and Ting (well more like x-friend now). I was like 'oh my god, thats Ting'. I finally get to see how she is and all. She grew out her hair which looks pretty girly on her. From the looks of it she lost some weight too. Heh. And then I feel like crying..well I did tear...because that feeling of being abandoned came back. I really feel so freaking weak when it comes to friends. Because of this feeling I want to move away from NY. I can't believe I even WANT that. Just for one friend who just doesn't seem to give a shit how I feel...yet I'm still wondering how she's doing?
I always ask myself...she doesn't want to be your friend so what?
But I'm like...4 years...and she decide to cut it just like that without a word?
It really hurts...
It hurts more than when I got dumped.
I really wish she would just talk to me.
I don't want to assume anymore...FUCK!

I just wish if this dying feeling is real...if it is, I want it...(i'm fucked up)