Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Love too much?
So I was just thinking. Is it possible that you love some so much to he point you wan to express it thru sex. Because when I talk to some of my friends. They told me they did it because she feels like she was going to lose the guy if she says no. Another one just wanna do it to shut him up. So I asked my mom two nights ago. Because guys masturbate almost on a daily basis. So why are they so eager to do it with their girlfriends. An my moms says because of hormones an to top off with feeling and sound. That physical part from the over person is different than to do it themselves.
//Aneko//
//Aneko//
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Feeling different.
Sometimes I wonder...why I end up being so goofy around him.
To the moment I feel like I'm going overboard.
Man, I need to like look myself over before I do anything.
Because too much is a bad thing.
Which is why this time when he left after staying over for a night, I didn't feel sad. But its nice to wake up and the first thing I see is him.
This should keep my satisfy for a week.
//Aneko//
To the moment I feel like I'm going overboard.
Man, I need to like look myself over before I do anything.
Because too much is a bad thing.
Which is why this time when he left after staying over for a night, I didn't feel sad. But its nice to wake up and the first thing I see is him.
This should keep my satisfy for a week.
//Aneko//
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Entry 07.01.2010
“Rushing”
What am I rushing? Not sure if dad was using the wrong word when he called me. I swear, some things doesn’t have to happen tends to happen. What the hell?
In the beginning while he was talking I respond ‘uh huh’ ‘yeah’ but my tone wasn’t anywhere near ‘annoyed’ or like ‘whatever’. I am tired. And I already explained it when he was about to blow up on me. But apparently he thinks I’m lying. Anyway he continues to lecture me, about me ‘rushing’ how I need to be careful. If I’m just zooming from point A to point B, and not look around me then I will get into an accident, like he almost did. He said I should just tell Tiffany, update her, if she doesn’t care then she doesn’t care, but at least I did my job in letting her know. ‘Do it just so you don’t get point at when things turn bad’. “As long you did your job….” My job? My fucking job! WHY!? Because I’m the oldest, I need to make sure everyone else is happy. I could that, no problem, but don’t come back and ask me why I am the way I am. But that never happens. I just get tired of trying to make accommodate everyone’s needs, compromising toward what they want.
When I came home last night, there was no life in the house. My stepmom look like she was mad at me. WHY? Maybe because I spend the whole day at the hospital with my biological mother. What’s wrong with that. If she was in the hospital I would have spend the equal number of hours at the hospital. Or is it because I’m suppose to spend MORE time because she claims she nurtured me when I was younger? Fuck that. She was a horrible mother. She did things because its what ‘mothers’ suppose to do’ not because she had any heart of wanting to do it, when we were younger’. But she is getting better at it, so I give her credit. Only she’s screwing up my little brother, the kid can’t be independent, even when he comes to clipping his nails, she volunteers to clip it. He grew up being pampered by my stepmom that he couldn’t figure out at what age he’s suppose to do things on his own.
Overall I think he’s just want to tell me that I shouldn’t rush Tiffany to see mom. And that I should have thought WHY she refuse to show up. So why couldn’t he say that, instead of giving me some bullshit around the bush crap. Because Tiffany may not be comfortable to see mom in an hospital with all those tubes. Because the last time she experienced such a thing was when our step-grandfather passed away. So I admit, with a calm mind that he’s right. I didn’t think of it. Even when Ding Ding Yee said that David didn’t want to come, because he couldn’t bear to see that situation again. All I kept thinking was:
What the hell is wrong with her? Can’t she just text or call to ask about Mom. At least I would feel a little bit better, when my aunts and grandma ask me about her. But I couldn't’ find myself defending her. She texted me around 7pm, visiting hrs, at the CRCV was from 7:30-7:45, she had a good 12 hours to be at the hospital prior to the last visiting hours, but she never showed up. I skipped school to company my Mom.
I wouldn’t need to skip class if she would just go to the hospital in the morning and I’ll come as soon my class is over. BUT NO! She e-mails me and said she needs her sleep. THEN FUCKING SLEEP EARLY! She claims that she sacrifice enough for me. What the hell, I never keep tabs when I helped her over the 10 + years I’ve been living with her. I didn’t e-mail back. She always wants the last word in everything, and I don’t have that kind of patience with her. She wants to be an asshole, or she wants everyone to see her as an asshole FINE. I don’t care. So I spend the whole day sitting in the hospital, went out once to eat lunch and then came straight back.
Anyway the whole ‘can’t bear to see mom the way she is’ was something my dad told me. So that opened me up a little bit up and I even wrote a letter to apologize. And just stuck it in the Twilight book that my mom wanted to read before I left to go to school. So I’m hoping that she would go see mom today. But most likely she’ll write me back an angry letter. I was going to say soul-less but since she shows emotion she’s not at that stage YET.
I can’t even text Rui a picture of me smiling, each time I do, its not smiley, even though I though I thought I was.
In two hours I’m going to be meeting up with Maggie, Cindy and Jennifer for dinner and I need to try to hold it up. Then I’m going to see my mom and I have to make sure I hold it up pass that. And once I get back home then I can continue being me. No one needs to see me being unhappy. Because I’ll be unhappy for one day, so I don’t need to have that carried on for everyone else.
After writing it out, I feel better.
But I can’t still believe my dad called me to lecture me. I tear in front of Qiang, I think I got him nervous and so I went to the bathroom, kicked the bathroom wall for a few times. When I came back he put up some ‘Just for Laugh’ videos. That really cheered me up, it worked though. I felt better after I watched a few videos. Rui wasn’t too happy when I said that Qiang cheered me up when it was really Rui who should be there to cheer me up. But I can’t deal with that. He got out of work early and asked what he should be do now, I’m like you can join me and my friends since they all want to meet you, and he said no. So I’m like okay.
Thinking: Whats the big deal? Why can’t he just come and meet my friends, at the same time we really get to see each other. Because I am honestly not planning to make any plans with him until my summer class is over. He’s gonna be mad at me. But I need to put my schoolwork and family first. If he can’t understand that then I don't know what else I can do. I really need my space, hence I don’t want to live with him off campus. Because he’ll want me to take care of him. He loves me I know, but I need to have some ‘me’ time. I know if he does that to me, I’ll be upset, but sometimes space is what keeps a relationship in check. If we’re always on top of each other, things will start to become meaningless.
<>
//Aneko//
What am I rushing? Not sure if dad was using the wrong word when he called me. I swear, some things doesn’t have to happen tends to happen. What the hell?
In the beginning while he was talking I respond ‘uh huh’ ‘yeah’ but my tone wasn’t anywhere near ‘annoyed’ or like ‘whatever’. I am tired. And I already explained it when he was about to blow up on me. But apparently he thinks I’m lying. Anyway he continues to lecture me, about me ‘rushing’ how I need to be careful. If I’m just zooming from point A to point B, and not look around me then I will get into an accident, like he almost did. He said I should just tell Tiffany, update her, if she doesn’t care then she doesn’t care, but at least I did my job in letting her know. ‘Do it just so you don’t get point at when things turn bad’. “As long you did your job….” My job? My fucking job! WHY!? Because I’m the oldest, I need to make sure everyone else is happy. I could that, no problem, but don’t come back and ask me why I am the way I am. But that never happens. I just get tired of trying to make accommodate everyone’s needs, compromising toward what they want.
When I came home last night, there was no life in the house. My stepmom look like she was mad at me. WHY? Maybe because I spend the whole day at the hospital with my biological mother. What’s wrong with that. If she was in the hospital I would have spend the equal number of hours at the hospital. Or is it because I’m suppose to spend MORE time because she claims she nurtured me when I was younger? Fuck that. She was a horrible mother. She did things because its what ‘mothers’ suppose to do’ not because she had any heart of wanting to do it, when we were younger’. But she is getting better at it, so I give her credit. Only she’s screwing up my little brother, the kid can’t be independent, even when he comes to clipping his nails, she volunteers to clip it. He grew up being pampered by my stepmom that he couldn’t figure out at what age he’s suppose to do things on his own.
Overall I think he’s just want to tell me that I shouldn’t rush Tiffany to see mom. And that I should have thought WHY she refuse to show up. So why couldn’t he say that, instead of giving me some bullshit around the bush crap. Because Tiffany may not be comfortable to see mom in an hospital with all those tubes. Because the last time she experienced such a thing was when our step-grandfather passed away. So I admit, with a calm mind that he’s right. I didn’t think of it. Even when Ding Ding Yee said that David didn’t want to come, because he couldn’t bear to see that situation again. All I kept thinking was:
What the hell is wrong with her? Can’t she just text or call to ask about Mom. At least I would feel a little bit better, when my aunts and grandma ask me about her. But I couldn't’ find myself defending her. She texted me around 7pm, visiting hrs, at the CRCV was from 7:30-7:45, she had a good 12 hours to be at the hospital prior to the last visiting hours, but she never showed up. I skipped school to company my Mom.
I wouldn’t need to skip class if she would just go to the hospital in the morning and I’ll come as soon my class is over. BUT NO! She e-mails me and said she needs her sleep. THEN FUCKING SLEEP EARLY! She claims that she sacrifice enough for me. What the hell, I never keep tabs when I helped her over the 10 + years I’ve been living with her. I didn’t e-mail back. She always wants the last word in everything, and I don’t have that kind of patience with her. She wants to be an asshole, or she wants everyone to see her as an asshole FINE. I don’t care. So I spend the whole day sitting in the hospital, went out once to eat lunch and then came straight back.
Anyway the whole ‘can’t bear to see mom the way she is’ was something my dad told me. So that opened me up a little bit up and I even wrote a letter to apologize. And just stuck it in the Twilight book that my mom wanted to read before I left to go to school. So I’m hoping that she would go see mom today. But most likely she’ll write me back an angry letter. I was going to say soul-less but since she shows emotion she’s not at that stage YET.
I can’t even text Rui a picture of me smiling, each time I do, its not smiley, even though I though I thought I was.
In two hours I’m going to be meeting up with Maggie, Cindy and Jennifer for dinner and I need to try to hold it up. Then I’m going to see my mom and I have to make sure I hold it up pass that. And once I get back home then I can continue being me. No one needs to see me being unhappy. Because I’ll be unhappy for one day, so I don’t need to have that carried on for everyone else.
After writing it out, I feel better.
But I can’t still believe my dad called me to lecture me. I tear in front of Qiang, I think I got him nervous and so I went to the bathroom, kicked the bathroom wall for a few times. When I came back he put up some ‘Just for Laugh’ videos. That really cheered me up, it worked though. I felt better after I watched a few videos. Rui wasn’t too happy when I said that Qiang cheered me up when it was really Rui who should be there to cheer me up. But I can’t deal with that. He got out of work early and asked what he should be do now, I’m like you can join me and my friends since they all want to meet you, and he said no. So I’m like okay.
Thinking: Whats the big deal? Why can’t he just come and meet my friends, at the same time we really get to see each other. Because I am honestly not planning to make any plans with him until my summer class is over. He’s gonna be mad at me. But I need to put my schoolwork and family first. If he can’t understand that then I don't know what else I can do. I really need my space, hence I don’t want to live with him off campus. Because he’ll want me to take care of him. He loves me I know, but I need to have some ‘me’ time. I know if he does that to me, I’ll be upset, but sometimes space is what keeps a relationship in check. If we’re always on top of each other, things will start to become meaningless.
<
//Aneko//
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
When you do things for family is there really a time where you would STOP 'sacrificing' yourself?
I really don't want to fight with her. She (metaphorly) spills a little blood and that's all she can give. Because she feels like she's given enough. Shouldn't there be infinite sacrifices - especially for your family member, whether you like them or not? She likes the last words to everything. I'm not gonna express myself. There's no need. She already damned me. I'm just another fucktard whose taking up space.
Our biological mother is going for surgery, a minor one. She just has a hole in her heart. She scheduled it Wednesday. I decide to skip class to be with her. Its a surgery no doubt. But if its possible for me to go to my morning class and then come back by 8pm I can visit her, by that time she would be out of surgery a long time ago. And this was my little sister's response. I'm starting to care less and less for her. I want to care less and less for her.
its not my problem if u cant go to class.
i dont care what happens to you cause im done with sacrifices,
which im sure u dont know about or deny.
so im not waking up early for something she scheduled
i need my sleep. i do my work the next day before class
so i wont have a computer in front of me if im there.
I guess since I'm not planning reply to your rude e-mail, I'll just say it here.
//Aneko//
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Soften Up
What the fuck is her problem.
I like to telltale?
This is what happened:
My little sister was pouring herself a cup a ice tea so I got my cup and ask her to pour me one. She refused, puts down the container and I reacted like I always did. 'Whats your problem?' I didn't fight with her. I barely spoke to her. But of course dad who was standing behind us was like 'ping ping why you have to be like that'. She looks at us, like we're some predictable monkeys. Fuck her. I already knew she wasn't going to pour me a drink, but I was really hoping she would change my mind.
Why do you have to be such an asshole?
I am an asshole.
Go fuck yourself.
I have got no one to fuck.
I can't talk to her anymore. I can't tell her stuffs without feeling scared. Why did I tell her about Rui.
I want to die. Because I want to cause her some pain. A lot of pain. I want to die. Rui can find another girl. My parents will be supported by her and my little brother. When I'm gone everything will continue on. A few pains here but it'll go away.
Me talking crazy. Fuck me.
//Aneko//
I like to telltale?
This is what happened:
My little sister was pouring herself a cup a ice tea so I got my cup and ask her to pour me one. She refused, puts down the container and I reacted like I always did. 'Whats your problem?' I didn't fight with her. I barely spoke to her. But of course dad who was standing behind us was like 'ping ping why you have to be like that'. She looks at us, like we're some predictable monkeys. Fuck her. I already knew she wasn't going to pour me a drink, but I was really hoping she would change my mind.
Why do you have to be such an asshole?
I am an asshole.
Go fuck yourself.
I have got no one to fuck.
I can't talk to her anymore. I can't tell her stuffs without feeling scared. Why did I tell her about Rui.
I want to die. Because I want to cause her some pain. A lot of pain. I want to die. Rui can find another girl. My parents will be supported by her and my little brother. When I'm gone everything will continue on. A few pains here but it'll go away.
Me talking crazy. Fuck me.
//Aneko//
Being a 'gf'
Being a girlfriend, weakens me. Which is why I have to make sure I control myself. I express myself more and more to the open that I will eventually start causing unnecessary fights.
I don't want to be the whiny girlfriend who assumes that her boyfriends knows what he should be doing at what time. The guy got a life too. Its not all about me.
I almost started something. I told him I was going to have my second midterm next Monday. Yet he went ahead and made plans with his friends to go kayaking. If it was me, and I knew my other half was going to have another exam and he needs helps on the subject, I wouldn't have made plans. I would put his needs (important ones anyway) before mine. But he made a point, before I told him I had to go shower. He worked this entire week and he deserves it. So after I showered I told him that I'm going to sleep and that I'll see him Sunday. I even told him the reason why I'm going to sleep this early. How honest can I get. I am trying to avoid starting a fight that already ended before it even started.
I wonder if I did the right thing.
"Being a gf" thats a stupid reason. I'm so stupid. I already made it sound like I regret being someone's gf.
I just don't want to start fights like my parents do. It leads to more fights and its a pain to admit wrong after a while.
//Aneko//
I don't want to be the whiny girlfriend who assumes that her boyfriends knows what he should be doing at what time. The guy got a life too. Its not all about me.
I almost started something. I told him I was going to have my second midterm next Monday. Yet he went ahead and made plans with his friends to go kayaking. If it was me, and I knew my other half was going to have another exam and he needs helps on the subject, I wouldn't have made plans. I would put his needs (important ones anyway) before mine. But he made a point, before I told him I had to go shower. He worked this entire week and he deserves it. So after I showered I told him that I'm going to sleep and that I'll see him Sunday. I even told him the reason why I'm going to sleep this early. How honest can I get. I am trying to avoid starting a fight that already ended before it even started.
I wonder if I did the right thing.
I just don't want to start fights like my parents do. It leads to more fights and its a pain to admit wrong after a while.
//Aneko//
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