So today, my friend Vicky, came for a quick visit. We chatted for three hours. She got me thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend. I love and care a lot about him. But atthe same time I feel I shouldn't throw my whole body into it. Because it's still too early. I don't feel like he demands too much from me. At the same time he doesn't demand much. I want him to do certain things and vice versa with him. But Vicky got me thinking thT maybe I am not into the relationship. And that I am being with him because he was my first. I mean I honesty don't think that just because he was my first I expect myself to marry to him. I just don't feel or see myself with another guy. I express how much I miss him and I really do. I think about him. the only reason why I am not being crazy and attach because it will only give me a lot of stress I feel. He's over there working and I'm over here studying. That is our priority. At night we would be on the phone until he goes to bed. I have my own thing he has is, I don't want to be all over his space and I don't him to be all over mine.

I know he thinks about me and I do too. But we are at that stage where we don't have to constantly say I love you. It would be nice if he says it more often. Or buy me stuffs without me saying I want it.

I don't know. I feel like I want to expect more but at the same time I shouldn't.

Feeling Unhappy at the Moment.

Maybe it is the stress of studying and how I feel constricted to be in the study mode.

After a few days, after the last entry, he said "love you" after our wonderful day at the beach. So I felt better.

But now, I am not happy.

Maybe it is asking too much for him to get a hint that I want him to attempt to try to study with me for my anatomy course. If he suggested or even show interest to what I am learning I have all the resources for him. Even when I already said that he should study with me. So he can help me improve and do better on the next two exams. But he didn't even offer. All he keeps saying is how he's researching for jobs to apply for, or researching interview questions for companies. He has 24 hours a day and he doesn't do it everyday. So why can't he spend some time studying the anatomy with me? I'm the one who is stuck in school studying. I am so unhappy that I don't even want to say anything else.

I want him to come take care of my basic needs while I study. He can't even do that.

When I talk to him, when we talk about a certain topic, he make me feel retarded because he keeps rejecting my idea on the topic instead of wordings things in a more comforting way.

I am already stressed enough.

I can't even smile today when I webcam with him. He didn't even ask if I was busy, and if I was, can I spare 15 minutes to check out the outfit he is going to wear for interview. Its like automatically I am not doing anything important.

I said something stupid last night, and today I send him a e-card from 123 greetings. His respond was '...lack of creativity'. In my head, my mind was 'What the fuck?'. No, "Thank you" or "its okay". Even though we made up that same night, I still felt sending him a ecard was appropriate. That totally made me feel like crap.

When I e-mail him things he doesn't respond back. When I kinda expect some sort of comment. When I don't respond to his, he ask me if I receive it.

Right now I am not happy.

Typical love problem.

He doesn't say ' I love you' or 'I miss you' anymore. Or maybe I haven't heard him say it for over a month now. Maybe distance is taking a toll.

Or maybe I'm just stress out and start to take pick a every little thing and turn it to a negative thing.

I am overreacting.

2011 Another year!

I have survived another year.
Things I have achieved 2010:
- met my wonderful boyfriend of 10 months as of right now.
- received a 3.4gpa for this semester making my overall gap to be 3.0.
- my circle of friends are getting bigger and so are my friend's friends.
I don't even remember what my 2010 goals were.

Well here are my new 2011 Resolutions.
> improve on my cooking.
> attempt to be more feminine.
> try to gain a more lean abdominal look.
> slim down to 120 lbs.
> improve my relationship with family.
> study harder
> keep better communication with family.
> gain a 3.3 by the end of this year.

This is all I can think of for now.
Further update will be available.
//Aneko//

Giving too much.

I wonder is it normal to feel like one needs to restrain herself from giving too much into a relationship. Because too much submission gives the other person too much dominance. At the end the submissive individuals are the ones who gets hurt the most.

So its been eight months, I feel like I do a lot for him. And I don't entirely see a immediate return of the amount of work I put in for him. I think its bad for my health to always compare the amount we put in, into the relationship.

I always feel like as long I did my part. If something does go wrong I know I am not at fault or at least I know I did the best I could. But is this way of thinking may be too deep? Because it almost seems like I don't give him enough room and space to let him naturally be good to me. I mean he is good to be, but I guess not to the level I expect from him. Or its just my maternal feminine side that can't help it but to do the things I do.

Being single is so easy. Being in a relationship is hard when you start to feel insecure and have low self-esteem for one's self.

//Aneko//

王菲 - 容易受傷的女人（粵）

When you feel like you're not mature enough...

So on Sunday, I felt like I was being a child.
All I wanted was to play with my friends.
I can honestly say, I paid less attention to my boyfriend.
Even when he cut his foot, I just went around asking for a band aid from my friends and that was it. It was a minor cut, but I didn't want any bacteria to go in it. But I didn't know what else to do. So I just like didn't pay much attention afterward, and just continue on my day.

He stayed with Kai the whole time. He never came to me. When he saw me, he didn't even give me a hug. I know he has the tanning oil on, but still, a kiss on the forehead, some kind of affection might have made me feel like 'hi honey'. But he never did. He never came over to me, the whole day to see how I'm doing. If I wanted food. Or just simply walk over to give me a hug. Which is why I N V Diana and Cheng. They're affectionate when they are alone, and when they are among friends.

The only time I think Rui was ever carrying was when its only me and him. So its almost like when we're in a group, he's not my boyfriend.

I asked him once if he wanted food, so I got him a burger. I didn't make him anything, because I was having fun. He complained to me, how he didn't eat much, because things weren't cooked, so other words, I didn't make him any food.

I asked him if he can get me my camera, since my hand was full of sand. He said 'no'. I asked him to put on sunscreen on, because he'll get burn he said 'no'. Its so hard to ask him to do something for me nowadays. He only does it when he feels like he's okay doing it. I do everything for him. I'm starting to feel like this might be a one way thing. I spoil him rotten, I take care of him, I feed him, I listen to him. Why do I feel like this relationship will go downhill soon. It would be a matter of time before I blow up and just end it.

He got the heart to want to be with me. But his actions doesn't show enough for me to feel like this relationship to work. I don't expect a one and one reciprocal action to each other. But at least if I ask you to do something, just do it. It wasn't a far walk to begin with.

Then again I guess he didn't want to walk if he didn't have to because the salt from the sand would irritate his wound. But he just said 'no'. If i ask him he might say that he doesn't want to use that as a excuse. Because he said that to me when he went in the water, when he knows its still bleeding, a little bit.

This is where the whole thing comes in.

All I want was to have fun, so the last time into the water I dragged him with me. After a little bit in the water, Anne asked Rui 'Rui didnt' you get a cut on your foot? Is it still bleeding?' He said a little and I'm like what the heck. And Anne was saying how bacteria and everything and I got pissed off at him.

Because I was like 'is this your way of making me feel guilty again?' He touches my face and pushed it away. He said no and said he didn't want to sound like he's using his minor cut as an excuse.

Throughout the whole day I didn't look at him. I convinced him to stay until 8pm, before that happened, but I kicked him out. Kai and Anne wanted to go, so I'm like 'Rui is going to leave soon too, so ask him if he can drive you'. And they left. He didn't even try to come over to at least try to hug me or give me a kiss or say 'we'll talk later'. He just walked away upset with Kai and Anne.

Then he called me later that night, twice.
The first voicemail was: "whatever"
The second voicemail was: how he felt, how he didn't understand why I got upset. etc.

I called him and we made up. I just said I was wrong the whole thing. And then I said that I don't think I'm 'mature' enough. He said don't turn this around. He doesn't want me to even think about 'breaking up'. He said he hates it when something like this happens. And I don't blame him. Throughout our five month relationship thus far, he never said 'I don't want you' not even jokingly. But I do it all the time. Even when there was a moment he could have said it because it fixed the context he didn't say it.

So whose wrong and whose right? Or half and half?

I don't feel like i'm his gf when we're together with my group of friends.

Sometimes I wonder if this kind of stuff typical in a relationship.

My cousin asked:
Does he make you laugh? Sometimes.
Does he make your heart go fast? Not as much.

Do I want to break-up with him? The answer is of course not.
Its the things he says wants me to stay with him, but I wonder how long that will last.

I really do like him. But sometimes I feel like I'm not appreciated.

//Aneko//