Its 3 o'clock in the morning, yet i'm not sleepy...

I wonder what is wrong with me...
Whenever I feel optimistic I want to go back to being depress...or something like that. Like I don't know..I feel like there's something missing from my life. Or its just a maybe-feeling of wanting to have a week of relaxation yet I cannot allow that, because I have schoolwork to keep up. Or do I really want to be in a relationship...the feeling of wanting someone to care and love you in a non-family and non-friend way, but something more; just like Gavie said. I guess when he said to me, I was thinking I'm stronger than that. I don't want to like fall for the 'trend' that goes around. Yet its tempting.

Anyway yesterday I had a interesting moment.
My new friend, Cam, who is my also my Anatomy and Physiology lab class works at this Audio and Visual office. I went in because she needed help with studying for our AP exam. So i went in, since it wasn't that busy and all. So I went inside and when we settled down, her co-worker comes in and was talking to us - so we politely kicked him out. When we met up at Brookdale she tells me the guy ask that she hook him up with me. Like..yeah right...that guy obviously have no taste in girls. Cam was telling me how this guy does't look at girls as equals and he told her that he would get a gf to screw with...after hearing this 'i'm like what the hell would you even ask me for my answer. I guess she was just curious. Werid I got to admit, but interesting at the same time.

I'm just ranting again...
Just feel like typing all of a sudden....

Entry #11

I'm such a retarded sad little person. Literally.
Just a moment ago, I was watching this video of my three friends - Wei, Cindy and Ting (well more like x-friend now). I was like 'oh my god, thats Ting'. I finally get to see how she is and all. She grew out her hair which looks pretty girly on her. From the looks of it she lost some weight too. Heh. And then I feel like crying..well I did tear...because that feeling of being abandoned came back. I really feel so freaking weak when it comes to friends. Because of this feeling I want to move away from NY. I can't believe I even WANT that. Just for one friend who just doesn't seem to give a shit how I feel...yet I'm still wondering how she's doing?
I always ask myself...she doesn't want to be your friend so what?
But I'm like...4 years...and she decide to cut it just like that without a word?
It really hurts...
It hurts more than when I got dumped.
I really wish she would just talk to me.
I don't want to assume anymore...FUCK!

I just wish if this dying feeling is real...if it is, I want it...(i'm fucked up)

Entry #10

Why do I constantly have this dying feeling?

Maybe I'm just building up unnecessary pressure on myself.

Entry #9 - College Fall Semester

Oh my god, I seriously again overload myself with unnecessary classes.
I have readings for every single class.
Especially for Anatomy & Physiology class.
Today I went to my night lab for A&P - horrible way to wait 4 hours for the class and to spend another 4 hours in class. The TA (Teacher assistant) doesn't seem to know her stuff and she's consider to be a student going for her...what? Masters or Ph.D? I swear this must be the only class why so many people decide to change major. But I am determine to be a teacher hence...suck it up.
Oh and she reeks... x(
So anyway got home like 3 hours ago, I actually got out early because today's lab was just a review and does not require us to hand in a report...lame. She went so fast I didn't understand what was going on. Hence increase in study time for this subject. Anatomy & Physiology makes Chemistry look like a joke. Lets see...

My grandfather from my biological mother side passed away on Tuesday night of this week. So right now I'm just waiting for the whole funeral thing and just go to pay my respect. My mom didn't sound like she was upset, she sound like how she usual is. I guess she really really didn't like her father. Well she did say that she never calls her 'dad', and she knows it pissed him off a lot. My cousin said that he was ready to go. Some medical mistake apparently...that triggered a heart attack. I hope my grandmother is okay.

So many things to memorize...aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Oh well I guess I should treasure this last hangout on Sunday until the next hangout which should be 3 weeks later. Not bad I guess. No more slacking off. I need to get things done.

Damn it..I have work on Labor's Day.

Entry #8

Monday...Tuesday...and now Wednesday. So far I haven't been having any bad day...just yet.
Monday I went to work from 1-6.
Tuesday again work from 1-6.

The only problem I had was my contact lenses are interfering with my reading.
'Eclipse' - the book so far is alright, but I was sort of annoyed with the character, Bella. How her personality and character changed when she physically changed. I thought that was a bit harsh.

But I still have those coughs - second week already.

...thats about it.

Entry #7

Today I started out in the morning very moody with my father.
He did it again. "Go live with you mother if you're so unhappy here".
Trust me I would try to live with my mother if I didn't feel guilty about leaving my little brother behind. I feel like I'm taking over my stepmother's role. She doesn't do anything. Like she did with my little sister and I. No schedule...no workbook...nothing...just go to the summer program where he only played when he comes home he just plays video games or watch TV. I have to be strict in order to get him to do something productive. I feel like I have to make his schedule now...whatever is left of his Summer Vacation. I'll work on it with him tomorrow. There's another reason...he's starting Intermediate school and I want to make sure I'm there to help him. I'm definitely going to get strict on him. He's smart, but he can do even better. Sounds like I'm making excuses. But I really thing I should be selfless when it comes to him. I don't want him to turn into some rotten prince who can't do shit at home. Enough said.

However I did end my day pleasantly with my mother. We went shopping with my little sister at seaport. The whole shopping thing came from my mouth. But it wasn't for me, it was for my little brat. I don't like her emo-ness and hoped that shopping would at least give her a reason to smile and not give out mother a hard time. So anyway we went and walked and walked. Ended the day eating Chinese family-style dinner.

Aww damn I'm so beat. Gonna sleep now. (yawn)

Entry #6

Yesterday I worked at Abercombie & Fitch, working with a co-worker. She told me she and her boyfriend split. And then we just went on talking about relationships. Sometimes I wonder why my friends, well just a few of them insist that I go and find myself a boyfriend. A person's love other than your family is very different and almost even more comforting than family. Yet there are issues...like tons of issues following it: outsiders, jealousy, fights, and friends. I really don't think I'm suitable to date at this age. I'm not free, I can't be like "hey dad, I won't be home for dinner because I'm hanging out with my boyfriend", the only thing I'll hear from my dad would be, "You're just like your mother, boyfriend at a young age, only asking for trouble". (shake head)

Anyway next subject, on my way home on the subway these two kids were fooling around playing something like arm wrestle and the worst part is the little boy hooked his umbrella on the railing so if he slips he'll hit me. I gave them a few minutes and see if they finally notice that we are in a crowded subway and that they will end up hurting someone. But they didn't stop so I said, "Excuse me you're going to end up hitting me if you continue to play". Then I continue on reading. I mean seriously...where are their parents? Whats the point of having parents when they don't do shit about their kids other than pampering them?

Anyway I'm going to hang out with some of my friends again; leaving in a few minutes.