十一月五日 - 雨天

Sometimes I don't know what I should be doing? If the way I'm thinking now is the best and correct way for me to handle the situation.

I'm going back to building up my defense mechanism when Jong broke up with me.

At first I thought I could open my heart again and allow myself to date again. When I finally do I end up falling for Michael Yen, but its because of his personality and not because of his looks (not very attractive at all). Then Anne came to the picture and I start to back away. Everyone was telling me how similar Anne and I was, that I'm starting to back away from him. At least when he's not hurt or anything. Then Rui came along, and I just find him to be kinda cute. But I can't find myself attract to him. Which is why I'm gonna make it clear to him, to not waste time on me, if he's just being close because he likes me. Then I got Andy, I don't know what is with this guy, I swear he's into Dominique yet he's flowing over to me? Maybe what Bianca said was correct, that he just wants info on Dominique (since Dominique is breaking up with her boyfriend after their trip to Canada). So I must be overthinking. But I can't find myself being with a non-asian, because I feel that non-asians won't appreciate who I am and just how I look (not claiming that I look good or anything, but I still look like a bloody freshmen).

So right now I'm going back to what I've always been, no relationship. Not even dating. I don't care what James Weider have to say, that guy can take his wisdom and shove it up his ass. I really can care less. I have no time for guys, so there is no point in thinking about it.

What really turned me off is the relationship I see between Anne and Michael. The problem they had before that prevented me from doing my own work was like the last straw. Anne being with Miguel and Michael complaining to me. I don't know why I care so much for people around me, and I end up pulling my old habit again - helping with friend's issue before my own. I'm just gonna be there when I have the time to deal with them. But from what Anne told me yesterday they shouldn't need me for a while. They're so much fun to be with, when we take out the quarrel out of the equation.

And I have Park, who called me Yesterday because he lost his wallet. I'm like FML, now the responsibility is on me to help him call Lost and Found on Monday. WHY PARK!?! Why did you call me and not your other friends who speaks both Korean and English!! because I was on the phone like fifteen minutes trying to understand his situation. OMG. But then again he's a stranger in the U.S so it only makes sense he would look for a native to help him out. I think I would have done the same.

Now I need to take care of my Psychology exam (Thursday) first before anything else.

I can't believe I'm going to the compeition this Sunday. FML

I'm glad that I blogged before starting my reading. Feeling a lot better. I don't find the need to burden anyone my life, when they all have their own shit to deal with. I guess I like to be dependent on.

I'm stupid.

一十月四ho

GO back like it was before?

Having friends are great, but having friends who changed their alttuide because of what I did is heartaching. No more 'mei' no more 'jie'. That feeling is gone. I don't think I talk to anyone else more than to my 'jie'. Once you stop saying it, it feels like you're really faraway from that person, the interest of talking dies. Like with Emily, Cindy and Maggie. I call them 'mui' but they never call me 'gah jie'. The only time they use the word 'jie' is 'but you're my jie'. I really want to think its just her trying to get back at me. But real friends can forgive friends, but then again real friends don't say shit about their parents.

The only person I feel like I can talk to literally whenever is gone. Back to my world of silence.

To care or not to care?

Just wondering. How would feel if I didn't care about what goes on.
If someone steps in front of me I walk around it.
If I hurt someone I avoid them for the rest of my life.
If I get shot down, I don't get up.

How will I end up?

If only sudicide did not leave anything negative behind...

If only killing oneself doesn't involve the sadness of family.
If only killing oneself wasn't look down by others.
If only killing oneself isn't illegal.
If only I did not born into a world where I have three meals, a roof over my head, clothes to wear then I wouldn't need to feel guilty about throwing my life, while there are those who are working hard everyday to feed themselves.

I might actually prescribe a bottle of sleeping pills and give myself a good night sleep.

Who am I kidding.

I hate emos and I'm every full moon become one of the.
How pathetic.
I smile and laugh and encourage around everyone. But can't I do that for myself. I don't know maybe I'm longing for someone I can pour my heart too. Just someone who I can just call or be with and not say a word. Or just hear them talk. Someone I can feel a connection. Common interest. Something. Maybe its just me. Maybe i'm not applying myself to gain some sort of interest like everyone else. Some people like this certain author or anime and I don't bring myself to look into it. This shit reminds me how Ting use to recommend this and that and each time I said I will look into it and I never did. Pathetic.

Lets make a list of why I feel Pathetic:
1. I am a horrible role model for my little brother. I am bringing him up the wrong way according to my little sister because everyone in the family is spoiling him. While she thinks that because everyone is spoiling him that she shouldn't put in any effort to teach him.

2. I can't seem to ever clean my room even if I try it still looks the same. Can never seem to organize things the way my little sister does, who accomplish it so well.

3. Constantly feeling that I don't have the ambition to do well in school. I would study for hours and never a good result.

4. I feel pointless. Hence I watch pointless animes.

5.

Feeling no connection.

Feeling excluded.
Feeling lonely.
Feeling sadness.
Feeling hatred.
Feeling lost.
Feeling pain.
Feeling unwanted.
Feeling I am Lost.