When you do things for family is there really a time where you would STOP 'sacrificing' yourself?

I really don't want to fight with her. She (metaphorly) spills a little blood and that's all she can give. Because she feels like she's given enough. Shouldn't there be infinite sacrifices - especially for your family member, whether you like them or not? She likes the last words to everything. I'm not gonna express myself. There's no need. She already damned me. I'm just another fucktard whose taking up space.

Our biological mother is going for surgery, a minor one. She just has a hole in her heart. She scheduled it Wednesday. I decide to skip class to be with her. Its a surgery no doubt. But if its possible for me to go to my morning class and then come back by 8pm I can visit her, by that time she would be out of surgery a long time ago. And this was my little sister's response. I'm starting to care less and less for her. I want to care less and less for her.

 

its not my problem if u cant go to class.

i dont care what happens to you cause im done with sacrifices,

which im sure u dont know about or deny.

so im not waking up early for something she scheduled

i need my sleep. i do my work the next day before class

so i wont have a computer in front of me if im there.

 

~Chui, Siu Ping (Tiffany)

 I guess since I'm not planning reply to your rude e-mail, I'll just say it here.

FUCK YOU!


//Aneko//

Soften Up

What the fuck is her problem.
I like to telltale?
This is what happened:
My little sister was pouring herself a cup a ice tea so I got my cup and ask her to pour me one. She refused, puts down the container and I reacted like I always did. 'Whats your problem?' I didn't fight with her. I barely spoke to her. But of course dad who was standing behind us was like 'ping ping why you have to be like that'. She looks at us, like we're some predictable monkeys. Fuck her. I already knew she wasn't going to pour me a drink, but I was really hoping she would change my mind.

Why do you have to be such an asshole?
I am an asshole.
Go fuck yourself.
I have got no one to fuck.

I can't talk to her anymore. I can't tell her stuffs without feeling scared. Why did I tell her about Rui.

I want to die. Because I want to cause her some pain. A lot of pain. I want to die. Rui can find another girl. My parents will be supported by her and my little brother. When I'm gone everything will continue on. A few pains here but it'll go away.

Me talking crazy. Fuck me.

//Aneko//

Being a 'gf'

Being a girlfriend, weakens me. Which is why I have to make sure I control myself. I express myself more and more to the open that I will eventually start causing unnecessary fights.

I don't want to be the whiny girlfriend who assumes that her boyfriends knows what he should be doing at what time. The guy got a life too. Its not all about me.

I almost started something. I told him I was going to have my second midterm next Monday. Yet he went ahead and made plans with his friends to go kayaking. If it was me, and I knew my other half was going to have another exam and he needs helps on the subject, I wouldn't have made plans. I would put his needs (important ones anyway) before mine. But he made a point, before I told him I had to go shower. He worked this entire week and he deserves it. So after I showered I told him that I'm going to sleep and that I'll see him Sunday. I even told him the reason why I'm going to sleep this early. How honest can I get. I am trying to avoid starting a fight that already ended before it even started.

I wonder if I did the right thing. 

"Being a gf" thats a stupid reason. I'm so stupid. I already made it sound like I regret being someone's gf.
I just don't want to start fights like my parents do. It leads to more fights and its a pain to admit wrong after a while.

//Aneko//

Missing him.

I'm having one those moments where I just have to blog my feelings, since I left my diary at home.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a total fool. A fool in love. I went back to read his old blog, some of the entries were about me. Expressing his 'love' for me. I was very skeptical about him, because I'm like there's no way he would be 'head over heels' for someone like me. It doesn't make sense. I'm not girly, I'm such a boy, I'm not even smart, I wear a size 8 pants and L in shirts. lol. But I guess it was my personality? But then again, what if I was a big girl, would he have found me as attractive and would he just only see me as a friend. I know physical appearance matter along with a good heart. But reading those entries again, just puts a smile on my face. Because its him that love me first, so I know he won't break my heart so its a safe place for me to love him back. But some things are too good to be true. And thats what I fear. Maybe its all in my head, maybe he's just infatuated by me, and when time passes he might just not love me or desire my presence as much. I guess its me talking crazy here or I'm just used to looking at all my options. I know I will. So that when something 'bad' happens I won't be as heart broken, then again I did the same thing with Jong and my heart was shattered to bits. And I guess on top of these feelings, I don't want to intercourse with him, because if he breaks me I'll feel dirty.Which is why I'm glad that I never did it with Jong. He had too many crushes in his head that I felt like I need to put a little wall.

Well all that was just stuff that suddenly came up, but what I really want to write is how I missed him so much that I teared for a sec, when he had to go home. I don't know why, I've seen him more this week than ever since school ended. But each time he leaves I feel so crush. When I asked him to stay with me for the night. Because honestly, being alone in my mom's place gets kinda depressing. But then again I like being alone in her house. But I guess I know that he's close by that I just want him with me. All I want was for him to just for one night, stay with me. But he couldn't. So I was trying to hold back from tearing in front of him until I closed the door behind him. I don't want this feeling, because I feel like I'm being clingy, and that I might just start being a baby when things don't go my way. I'm afraid that I might just give 100% to him.

I am trying to control myself, but its so hard. Its funny, because you would think that I would have this feeling the first month or two of the relationship, but I'm actually in my 'love bubble' two months afterwards, while he was in his bubble the first day. So after he left, I didn't talk to him that much, I even try to get him to hang up the phone, because that tight feeling in my chest won't go away. And today I just text him here and there. Didn't even call him. I only talked to him once when he called me. But it was short, because I was eating and watching CSI. I don't want to divide my attention when I'm with him.

He gives me that assurance that he will be there for me forever that it feels too good to be true. I guess I'm hindered by my parents. Dad was miserable in both marriages. My mom took her god damn long enough to find the right guy, after going thru several guys. And my little sister being that 20 years old she still has that strong ability to reject every guy that ask her out. I don't know how she does it. She said that I would go out with anyone who asks me out. Which is not true.


Well time to go back to homework.

//Aneko//

My favorite photo on June 5th.

So we went to Kayaking.

Walked over to Chinatown for food.

Walked to seaport.

Walked to Staten Island Ferry.

Walked passed New York Stock Exchange.

Walked to the train station.

Concluded our trip with a kiss.

//Aneko//