Doesn't want to be happy.

I really don't know what I want from my biological mother.
Sometimes I think if it was better if she never came back for us.
So I can continue to hate her.

But now she dances back to my life I feel like I should embrace her existence.

All she kept saying is that she wants to be happy.
She took that away from us.
We're forever miserable.

She said my sister (including me) doesn't let go the past.
How can we when you tramatized us when we were young...apparently not young enough to not remember anything.
Our unhappiness is justified.
She should just let us be. Choose whether to be happy or not.
Its not up to her anymore.

I don't want to be happy, just content that i have a roof over my head, education, job and clothing and food. Thats it. I don't think I want to experience full happiness because I end up being disappointed in this life.

BOOYAH!

Ache - Talking about the past.

I don't know why, but I have to write out my current feelings. Like right now. Or there's no way I can concentrate on my schoolwork.

Today, I told two classmates of mine, about my pass life. How my mother fucked up my life. How I became the person that everyone wants. To the point, I don't know who I really am. Identity, my identity, I should pass that stage already. I should have figure out what I want, or who I am at least. But I really can't figure that out yet.

As I tell her about my sad life, I feel disgusted about myself, even ashamed of it. At the end of the class, I ask myself, why did I just tell her or anyone this? I never told people how I don't know who I am, and that my family thinks I'm an ideal granddaughter or daughter, because I made myself into one. Growing up too fast. Suddenly I didn't want to talk about it anymore.I don't want to talk to anybody about it. I feel like I'm asking for pity. There are people who are going thru a crisis and I'm here, expression my past, the PAST.

And I feel guilty degrading my biological mother, blaming my father who brought me up and my stepmother who is showing some improvement and blending in with the family. Like why am I doing this to them. To me, I feel like I'm totally disrespecting them, backstabbing them. Its the truth, so why am I ashame of it? Ashame of myself for even expressing myself, the way I did yesterday.

My heart ached for some odd reason hence I have to write yesterdays event out.

Also...

For two days, I kept asking myself, why did I threw the board at Evelyn. A wonderful friend and I could have ended it with my stupidity. Fucking Ting left me with such paranoidal that I keep thinking the same negative shit over and over again. I don't want to lose anymore friends. I feel like crap. I literally think that Evelyn would ignore me, or be 'fake' in front of me. And so will Kenny, knowing that I hurt his girlfriend. I was like shit shit. I couldn't even bring myself to call her and ask her if I left her black and blue. Maybe I'm being overdramatic about it, but if someone threw a board at I would be pissed.

Fuck.