When you feel like you're not mature enough...

So on Sunday, I felt like I was being a child.
All I wanted was to play with my friends.
I can honestly say, I paid less attention to my boyfriend.
Even when he cut his foot, I just went around asking for a band aid from my friends and that was it. It was a minor cut, but I didn't want any bacteria to go in it. But I didn't know what else to do. So I just like didn't pay much attention afterward, and just continue on my day.

He stayed with Kai the whole time. He never came to me. When he saw me, he didn't even give me a hug. I know he has the tanning oil on, but still, a kiss on the forehead, some kind of affection might have made me feel like 'hi honey'. But he never did. He never came over to me, the whole day to see how I'm doing. If I wanted food. Or just simply walk over to give me a hug. Which is why I N V Diana and Cheng. They're affectionate when they are alone, and when they are among friends.

The only time I think Rui was ever carrying was when its only me and him. So its almost like when we're in a group, he's not my boyfriend.

I asked him once if he wanted food, so I got him a burger. I didn't make him anything, because I was having fun. He complained to me, how he didn't eat much, because things weren't cooked, so other words, I didn't make him any food.

I asked him if he can get me my camera, since my hand was full of sand. He said 'no'. I asked him to put on sunscreen on, because he'll get burn he said 'no'. Its so hard to ask him to do something for me nowadays. He only does it when he feels like he's okay doing it. I do everything for him. I'm starting to feel like this might be a one way thing. I spoil him rotten, I take care of him, I feed him, I listen to him. Why do I feel like this relationship will go downhill soon. It would be a matter of time before I blow up and just end it.

He got the heart to want to be with me. But his actions doesn't show enough for me to feel like this relationship to work. I don't expect a one and one reciprocal action to each other. But at least if I ask you to do something, just do it. It wasn't a far walk to begin with.

Then again I guess he didn't want to walk if he didn't have to because the salt from the sand would irritate his wound. But he just said 'no'. If i ask him he might say that he doesn't want to use that as a excuse. Because he said that to me when he went in the water, when he knows its still bleeding, a little bit.

This is where the whole thing comes in.

All I want was to have fun, so the last time into the water I dragged him with me. After a little bit in the water, Anne asked Rui 'Rui didnt' you get a cut on your foot? Is it still bleeding?' He said a little and I'm like what the heck. And Anne was saying how bacteria and everything and I got pissed off at him.

Because I was like 'is this your way of making me feel guilty again?' He touches my face and pushed it away. He said no and said he didn't want to sound like he's using his minor cut as an excuse.

Throughout the whole day I didn't look at him. I convinced him to stay until 8pm, before that happened, but I kicked him out. Kai and Anne wanted to go, so I'm like 'Rui is going to leave soon too, so ask him if he can drive you'. And they left. He didn't even try to come over to at least try to hug me or give me a kiss or say 'we'll talk later'. He just walked away upset with Kai and Anne.

Then he called me later that night, twice.
The first voicemail was: "whatever"
The second voicemail was: how he felt, how he didn't understand why I got upset. etc.

I called him and we made up. I just said I was wrong the whole thing. And then I said that I don't think I'm 'mature' enough. He said don't turn this around. He doesn't want me to even think about 'breaking up'. He said he hates it when something like this happens. And I don't blame him. Throughout our five month relationship thus far, he never said 'I don't want you' not even jokingly. But I do it all the time. Even when there was a moment he could have said it because it fixed the context he didn't say it.

So whose wrong and whose right? Or half and half?

I don't feel like i'm his gf when we're together with my group of friends.

Sometimes I wonder if this kind of stuff typical in a relationship.

My cousin asked:
Does he make you laugh? Sometimes.
Does he make your heart go fast? Not as much.

Do I want to break-up with him? The answer is of course not.
Its the things he says wants me to stay with him, but I wonder how long that will last.

I really do like him. But sometimes I feel like I'm not appreciated.

//Aneko//

Rebellious...a little late, ain't it?

So I don't know why I am going thru this.

Maybe because my parents know about my condition regarding to school that they're up on my butt about studying my physics over. Because there's a chance that I will have to retake physics for the third time. Its like reading a book but having the last chapter missing. Its the excruciating. Why can't my professor just say sure, and give me those few points from a C- to a C. Every now and then when I think about retaking Physics again I want to cry. That's how much I hate physics.

So every time I mention about going out, my parents give me that 'again' look. And they go like 'I know, I've already remind you over and over again how you should spend more time studying rather than to go out' etc..and the ranting goes on. I feel like I can't look forward to anything fun. Fun comes in last...why do parents say that kind of stuff? What if I die like RIGHT now. I don't know. I feel like I might die any time, and that I should do the things I like while balancing thru school and family.

James once said that being 'smart' isn't everything. You can have A's thru out your school year, but where do you stand on the social ladder? What kind of character do you have? Personality? Yeah you're a bookworm, but what other qualification do you have other than getting A's on your exams.
- So what he said is it valid?

Being with my boyfriend for almost 5 months (August 8th) I feel like my parents already know. I mean come on, he calls me every night and we talk for hours on the phone. I was never this talkative on the phone. Being home I feel guilty. Guilty of being in love , and to hide it from my parents. Parents who taken care of me for 21 years. But I don't trust my dad to understand me. Nor do I trust him to be civilize with me when it comes to something like this. Because I know for a fact, no one in the family will back me up. My stepmom will agree with my father without a doubt. I feel so empty and lost because I don't know what to think. My biological mother said it will all pass, once I graduate and get a job, at that point, my parents have no power over me. Or effect on me. Because then I've done something neither my father nor stepmom have every accomplish. A college degree and a job. Sometimes I feel like I want to tell my dad like RIGHT NOW. Because if he knows what I think he knows then why isn't he asking me questions. Why is he not confronting me? Why be angry underneath and wait for the bomb inside to hit 'zero'.

It just seems like everything I do, is wrong, and when I go against them go like 'WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LIKE THIS? YOU NEVER GREW UP. ALWAYS SO STUBBORN. WHY YOU NEVER AIM HIGH'

When we play MahJong, they go like why don't you try to learn and pick up strategies other than to stay around the same area, why not try to move up

I want to sit on the leg rest thingy while playing Mahjong because its comfortable.
why don't you grab a normal seat, why do you force yourself to sit in a lower level when its harder for you to grab the tiles or when you have to pick up the row of tiles while you're readying the game.

I'm going out.
Why are you always going out. You go out, when you come home dinner is ready for you.
My little sister's favorite line: You're never home. WOW you're actually home.

I'm not smart unlike my little sister whose a straight A student.
I'm not neat unlike my little sister whose room is clean and well organized.
I'm not careful unlike my little sister I always screw up in errands and chores.
I'm not a quick learner unlike my little sister who gets it in a snap.
I'm not 'fit' like my little sister she's a seize 2 i'm a size 8.
I have no personality.
I do whatever I'm told.
I'm slow unlike my little sister who gets it.
I'm not mouth-smart unlike my little sister fights back with the right reasons.
I'm not street smart like my little sister makes things her advantage.

What am I good at? Like my parents claim, all I know what to do is having fun. And helping people. So whats the point in living when all I am good at is wasting time.

But it gets even more depressing when I compare myself to other people who aren't as lucky as I am, yet I am thinking so much negative things. Even thinking about dying because I need to retake a course, or because my parents don't understand me. I am living well, eating well, and fully clothed. Yet I continue to think all these negative things. And when I try to not think about it, and compare myself to other people I get even more depress.

I just want to go back to Stony Brook when I have more control over myself.
When I want to eat, what I want to eat. I don't feel bad about staying out late when I know there's no one waiting for me at the dorm. Who I'm hanging out with. I just wish I can just cuddle with my boyfriend just have a good night sleep and wake up to see his face and not to the thought of taking physics again. It would totally ruined my fall semseter. I'm taking all the classes I WANT to take.

FUCK I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FEEL SO EWLY ABOUT MYSELF. I FEEL LIKE I'M BETTER THAN THIS, WHY DO I KEEP DOWNGRADING MYSELF. WHY CAN'T JUST LOOK UP THE RULES OF MAHJOHNG ONLINE. AND LEARN IT. WHY CAN'T I JUST CLEAN MY ROOM EVERYDAY, ORGANIZE IT AND JUST THROW OUT EVERYTHING. NO MORE KEEPING THINGS FOR OTHERS. WHY CAN'T I JUST GO OUT FORA RUN AND JUST DO WHATEVER I CAN TO IMPROVE MYSELF.