Its 3 o'clock in the morning, yet i'm not sleepy...

I wonder what is wrong with me...
Whenever I feel optimistic I want to go back to being depress...or something like that. Like I don't know..I feel like there's something missing from my life. Or its just a maybe-feeling of wanting to have a week of relaxation yet I cannot allow that, because I have schoolwork to keep up. Or do I really want to be in a relationship...the feeling of wanting someone to care and love you in a non-family and non-friend way, but something more; just like Gavie said. I guess when he said to me, I was thinking I'm stronger than that. I don't want to like fall for the 'trend' that goes around. Yet its tempting.

Anyway yesterday I had a interesting moment.
My new friend, Cam, who is my also my Anatomy and Physiology lab class works at this Audio and Visual office. I went in because she needed help with studying for our AP exam. So i went in, since it wasn't that busy and all. So I went inside and when we settled down, her co-worker comes in and was talking to us - so we politely kicked him out. When we met up at Brookdale she tells me the guy ask that she hook him up with me. Like..yeah right...that guy obviously have no taste in girls. Cam was telling me how this guy does't look at girls as equals and he told her that he would get a gf to screw with...after hearing this 'i'm like what the hell would you even ask me for my answer. I guess she was just curious. Werid I got to admit, but interesting at the same time.

I'm just ranting again...
Just feel like typing all of a sudden....

Entry #11

I'm such a retarded sad little person. Literally.
Just a moment ago, I was watching this video of my three friends - Wei, Cindy and Ting (well more like x-friend now). I was like 'oh my god, thats Ting'. I finally get to see how she is and all. She grew out her hair which looks pretty girly on her. From the looks of it she lost some weight too. Heh. And then I feel like crying..well I did tear...because that feeling of being abandoned came back. I really feel so freaking weak when it comes to friends. Because of this feeling I want to move away from NY. I can't believe I even WANT that. Just for one friend who just doesn't seem to give a shit how I feel...yet I'm still wondering how she's doing?
I always ask myself...she doesn't want to be your friend so what?
But I'm like...4 years...and she decide to cut it just like that without a word?
It really hurts...
It hurts more than when I got dumped.
I really wish she would just talk to me.
I don't want to assume anymore...FUCK!

I just wish if this dying feeling is real...if it is, I want it...(i'm fucked up)

Entry #10

Why do I constantly have this dying feeling?

Maybe I'm just building up unnecessary pressure on myself.