So today, my friend Vicky, came for a quick visit. We chatted for three hours. She got me thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend. I love and care a lot about him. But atthe same time I feel I shouldn't throw my whole body into it. Because it's still too early. I don't feel like he demands too much from me. At the same time he doesn't demand much. I want him to do certain things and vice versa with him. But Vicky got me thinking thT maybe I am not into the relationship. And that I am being with him because he was my first. I mean I honesty don't think that just because he was my first I expect myself to marry to him. I just don't feel or see myself with another guy. I express how much I miss him and I really do. I think about him. the only reason why I am not being crazy and attach because it will only give me a lot of stress I feel. He's over there working and I'm over here studying. That is our priority. At night we would be on the phone until he goes to bed. I have my own thing he has is, I don't want to be all over his space and I don't him to be all over mine.

I know he thinks about me and I do too. But we are at that stage where we don't have to constantly say I love you. It would be nice if he says it more often. Or buy me stuffs without me saying I want it.

I don't know. I feel like I want to expect more but at the same time I shouldn't.

Feeling Unhappy at the Moment.

Maybe it is the stress of studying and how I feel constricted to be in the study mode.

After a few days, after the last entry, he said "love you" after our wonderful day at the beach. So I felt better.

But now, I am not happy.

Maybe it is asking too much for him to get a hint that I want him to attempt to try to study with me for my anatomy course. If he suggested or even show interest to what I am learning I have all the resources for him. Even when I already said that he should study with me. So he can help me improve and do better on the next two exams. But he didn't even offer. All he keeps saying is how he's researching for jobs to apply for, or researching interview questions for companies. He has 24 hours a day and he doesn't do it everyday. So why can't he spend some time studying the anatomy with me? I'm the one who is stuck in school studying. I am so unhappy that I don't even want to say anything else.

I want him to come take care of my basic needs while I study. He can't even do that.

When I talk to him, when we talk about a certain topic, he make me feel retarded because he keeps rejecting my idea on the topic instead of wordings things in a more comforting way.

I am already stressed enough.

I can't even smile today when I webcam with him. He didn't even ask if I was busy, and if I was, can I spare 15 minutes to check out the outfit he is going to wear for interview. Its like automatically I am not doing anything important.

I said something stupid last night, and today I send him a e-card from 123 greetings. His respond was '...lack of creativity'. In my head, my mind was 'What the fuck?'. No, "Thank you" or "its okay". Even though we made up that same night, I still felt sending him a ecard was appropriate. That totally made me feel like crap.

When I e-mail him things he doesn't respond back. When I kinda expect some sort of comment. When I don't respond to his, he ask me if I receive it.

Right now I am not happy.

Typical love problem.

He doesn't say ' I love you' or 'I miss you' anymore. Or maybe I haven't heard him say it for over a month now. Maybe distance is taking a toll.

Or maybe I'm just stress out and start to take pick a every little thing and turn it to a negative thing.

I am overreacting.

2011 Another year!

I have survived another year.
Things I have achieved 2010:
- met my wonderful boyfriend of 10 months as of right now.
- received a 3.4gpa for this semester making my overall gap to be 3.0.
- my circle of friends are getting bigger and so are my friend's friends.
I don't even remember what my 2010 goals were.

Well here are my new 2011 Resolutions.
> improve on my cooking.
> attempt to be more feminine.
> try to gain a more lean abdominal look.
> slim down to 120 lbs.
> improve my relationship with family.
> study harder
> keep better communication with family.
> gain a 3.3 by the end of this year.

This is all I can think of for now.
Further update will be available.
//Aneko//