十一月五日 - 雨天

Sometimes I don't know what I should be doing? If the way I'm thinking now is the best and correct way for me to handle the situation.

I'm going back to building up my defense mechanism when Jong broke up with me.

At first I thought I could open my heart again and allow myself to date again. When I finally do I end up falling for Michael Yen, but its because of his personality and not because of his looks (not very attractive at all). Then Anne came to the picture and I start to back away. Everyone was telling me how similar Anne and I was, that I'm starting to back away from him. At least when he's not hurt or anything. Then Rui came along, and I just find him to be kinda cute. But I can't find myself attract to him. Which is why I'm gonna make it clear to him, to not waste time on me, if he's just being close because he likes me. Then I got Andy, I don't know what is with this guy, I swear he's into Dominique yet he's flowing over to me? Maybe what Bianca said was correct, that he just wants info on Dominique (since Dominique is breaking up with her boyfriend after their trip to Canada). So I must be overthinking. But I can't find myself being with a non-asian, because I feel that non-asians won't appreciate who I am and just how I look (not claiming that I look good or anything, but I still look like a bloody freshmen).

So right now I'm going back to what I've always been, no relationship. Not even dating. I don't care what James Weider have to say, that guy can take his wisdom and shove it up his ass. I really can care less. I have no time for guys, so there is no point in thinking about it.

What really turned me off is the relationship I see between Anne and Michael. The problem they had before that prevented me from doing my own work was like the last straw. Anne being with Miguel and Michael complaining to me. I don't know why I care so much for people around me, and I end up pulling my old habit again - helping with friend's issue before my own. I'm just gonna be there when I have the time to deal with them. But from what Anne told me yesterday they shouldn't need me for a while. They're so much fun to be with, when we take out the quarrel out of the equation.

And I have Park, who called me Yesterday because he lost his wallet. I'm like FML, now the responsibility is on me to help him call Lost and Found on Monday. WHY PARK!?! Why did you call me and not your other friends who speaks both Korean and English!! because I was on the phone like fifteen minutes trying to understand his situation. OMG. But then again he's a stranger in the U.S so it only makes sense he would look for a native to help him out. I think I would have done the same.

Now I need to take care of my Psychology exam (Thursday) first before anything else.

I can't believe I'm going to the compeition this Sunday. FML

I'm glad that I blogged before starting my reading. Feeling a lot better. I don't find the need to burden anyone my life, when they all have their own shit to deal with. I guess I like to be dependent on.

I'm stupid.

一十月四ho