Graduated..yay?

Two years at Hunter College then transferred to Stony Brook University for another four years. As of June 28th, 2013, I am officially done with my undergraduate life. So whats next? Licence board exams along with job searching. I feel like I came out inadequate to be a in the healthcare field, it got nothing to do with the program but me. But what else could I have done with my life? Being in the medical field has always been my motivation to stay in this education system. And I finally graduated as one. I should stop alluring myself to the dark side and just be happy that I don't owe lot in loans and hurry with the license and work and then take care of my family. This song seem appropriate for my feeling.

Story: L.O.V.E

Story: L.O.V.E L.O.V.E Levi Olivia Victoria Ethan.....this is not really my name. But it does have a good ring to it, don't you think? This was never my birth name. Not even one? You ask. Well truth is, these are the names of people who I held very dear to my heart. Because I killed them in 2012. ....................................................................................................................................... Just close your eyes, the sun is going down, you'll be alright, no one can hurt you now. (Her daughter slams on her inexpensive mp3 player) "APPLE KUANG, did you eat a firecracker, why you so angry?". Mrs. Kuang, an immigrant from Hong Kong, looks over to the right, where her daughter sat annoyingly on the passenger seat, shaking her leg, slurping loudly on her empty plastic cup that was once full of milk tea. "Sigh, Apple, I know its been hard on you that Levi passed, but you can't go around destroying things", Mrs. Kuang reaches over to stroke her daughter what was use to be jet black hair is not red and gold. A difficult appearance for Mrs, Kuang to accept but what's done is done. Apple with her blue contacts glares at her mom, and just ignores her mother's touch and gentle eyes. Then returns her gaze back at the car that they've been following for almost an hour. It was a long funeral car, inside was a coffin, it contains Levi Hartford's body. Levi Hartford was a interracial child, mother was Chinese and father was Black. Not your typical mix in a lot of states but in New York its nothing to stare at. Her mother wish to have a traditional Chinese funeral, there was a lot of decorations, flower circles were hung all over the room, and bags of blankets were hung, Some kind of ceremonial procedure was required to be done by the eldest brother. A lot of people showed up to pay their respects. Even family members' relatives showed up to say their good-byes and wish the family to stay strong. It was just too much for Apple and her three other friends to bear. Apple the oldest among them held her tears back, or the least to say, she ran out tears. She just held anyone who needed support. Apple continue to gaze, as they pass their elementary school, junior high, and highschool and Lief Ericson park. Levi used to love to play tennis over there, with their shitty grounds and downward slope nets. Apple, let out a quiet sigh.... Mama you don't know half the shit that I know. Levi's soul won't be at ease no matter how many people mourn for her, or where we pass by. I can see her trying to escape from her coffin to reach for me. Stretching pass the back window, reaching closer to our car. Apple starts to experience tachypnea. She tries not to alarm her mother. I know Levi, I know what you want, but I can't give it to you yet. I'll be with you soon, but I need to find that bastard that started this shit. I'm gonna take this person with me to greet you. Just wait patiently. Apple was back to normal breathing. Their car continues to follow on, when will it be over? //Aneko//

Taking a break from studying.

So it's almost 4am.
I'm mad that my BF didn't bother to text me to tell me he's going to sleep or wish me luck.I did say that I'll talk to him tomorrow but that shouldn't mean he shouldn't say something sweet. Whatever, looking at this picture perk me right back up.

He said for me to say "I miss him" or "im thinkig about you" is a sign of Me not focusing on my schoolwork. Since he can't help me with my studies all he can do is push me to focus. I guess I'm just not gonna say it anymore. For him action means more than words. I knowbi told myself I will stop saying "I love you" but I guess it's just how I am. But I guess it gets depression when you end up not getting a respond back.

Time to study.

//aneko//

So today, my friend Vicky, came for a quick visit. We chatted for three hours. She got me thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend. I love and care a lot about him. But atthe same time I feel I shouldn't throw my whole body into it. Because it's still too early. I don't feel like he demands too much from me. At the same time he doesn't demand much. I want him to do certain things and vice versa with him. But Vicky got me thinking thT maybe I am not into the relationship. And that I am being with him because he was my first. I mean I honesty don't think that just because he was my first I expect myself to marry to him. I just don't feel or see myself with another guy. I express how much I miss him and I really do. I think about him. the only reason why I am not being crazy and attach because it will only give me a lot of stress I feel. He's over there working and I'm over here studying. That is our priority. At night we would be on the phone until he goes to bed. I have my own thing he has is, I don't want to be all over his space and I don't him to be all over mine.

I know he thinks about me and I do too. But we are at that stage where we don't have to constantly say I love you. It would be nice if he says it more often. Or buy me stuffs without me saying I want it.

I don't know. I feel like I want to expect more but at the same time I shouldn't.

Feeling Unhappy at the Moment.

Maybe it is the stress of studying and how I feel constricted to be in the study mode.

After a few days, after the last entry, he said "love you" after our wonderful day at the beach. So I felt better.

But now, I am not happy.

Maybe it is asking too much for him to get a hint that I want him to attempt to try to study with me for my anatomy course. If he suggested or even show interest to what I am learning I have all the resources for him. Even when I already said that he should study with me. So he can help me improve and do better on the next two exams. But he didn't even offer. All he keeps saying is how he's researching for jobs to apply for, or researching interview questions for companies. He has 24 hours a day and he doesn't do it everyday. So why can't he spend some time studying the anatomy with me? I'm the one who is stuck in school studying. I am so unhappy that I don't even want to say anything else.

I want him to come take care of my basic needs while I study. He can't even do that.

When I talk to him, when we talk about a certain topic, he make me feel retarded because he keeps rejecting my idea on the topic instead of wordings things in a more comforting way.

I am already stressed enough.

I can't even smile today when I webcam with him. He didn't even ask if I was busy, and if I was, can I spare 15 minutes to check out the outfit he is going to wear for interview. Its like automatically I am not doing anything important.

I said something stupid last night, and today I send him a e-card from 123 greetings. His respond was '...lack of creativity'. In my head, my mind was 'What the fuck?'. No, "Thank you" or "its okay". Even though we made up that same night, I still felt sending him a ecard was appropriate. That totally made me feel like crap.

When I e-mail him things he doesn't respond back. When I kinda expect some sort of comment. When I don't respond to his, he ask me if I receive it.

Right now I am not happy.

Typical love problem.

He doesn't say ' I love you' or 'I miss you' anymore. Or maybe I haven't heard him say it for over a month now. Maybe distance is taking a toll.

Or maybe I'm just stress out and start to take pick a every little thing and turn it to a negative thing.

I am overreacting.

2011 Another year!

I have survived another year.
Things I have achieved 2010:
- met my wonderful boyfriend of 10 months as of right now.
- received a 3.4gpa for this semester making my overall gap to be 3.0.
- my circle of friends are getting bigger and so are my friend's friends.
I don't even remember what my 2010 goals were.

Well here are my new 2011 Resolutions.
> improve on my cooking.
> attempt to be more feminine.
> try to gain a more lean abdominal look.
> slim down to 120 lbs.
> improve my relationship with family.
> study harder
> keep better communication with family.
> gain a 3.3 by the end of this year.

This is all I can think of for now.
Further update will be available.
//Aneko//